


HateLove

by Auburnt_Vixen



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Borderline Personality Disorder, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, F/F, Gay Panic, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internal Monologue, Lesbian Sex, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Sexual Content, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-04-03 17:27:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 46,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21491077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auburnt_Vixen/pseuds/Auburnt_Vixen
Summary: Post-LiS. Nate and Jefferson behind bars.Victoria hated by everyone and having BPD. Unexpected help comes with Rachel Amber. Finding common ground and overcoming issues leads to something more than that.
Relationships: Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Chloe Price, Rachel Amber/Victoria Chase
Comments: 46
Kudos: 18





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, it plays canonically to the point Nate and Jefferson behind bars. But will be discussed as part of issues. Max is the hero, but without time travel. At least it doesnt play any role here. (You can assume otherwise, but it wont come up).  
Kate attempted suicide, but survived.  
Rachel Amber is alive. Chloe is with Max.  
Main part of the story is Vic having BPD. It is not necessary to know beforehand about it as I will explain lots about it through thoughts (vic pov) and dialogue. I have BPD myself, so no advice is needed. Still note that not everyone with it is the same, so you are still valid if you dont identify totally with it.  
I marked it explicit as there will be tough topics discussed, traumas relived/detailed explained, as abuse especially. sexual abuse is part of the trauma, but not a major detail overall. still be warned if this is too much for you.  
I use many curse words for believeability and streams of consciousness. this prologue is like a test of writing here to me and checking the length, so next chapter might get longer. it will definitive get more dialogue and ultimative lead to a happy end, however long that will take.  
sexual description are planned, but havent decided yet on how detailed.
> 
> feel free to comment anything. :)

I am the Queen Bee. At least what they call me. The Leader of the Vortex Club. Or rather I was. As if anyone wanted to have to do anything with me anymore. Persona non grata despite being still feared or hated by some in the old way. - Just adding some extra credit for what happened. To be able to blame me for what Nate and Jeffershit have done. No, they dont even deserve real names for what they did. And I hated them both as much as all the others do. I have a heart, even if no one wanna believe it. Yet it is true that I hate everyone. Each of those fakers, losers and hypocrits. They believe its easy to tell right from wrong, that you are either evil or not. And damn I wished it was true, hell, most times I was sure I was the devil everyone thought I was. A demon in disguise. A monster. Yeah, that was what they called people like me. A monster.

I was barely listening to what the substitute teacher was saying. I wasn't the only one. Not only wasn't he as good as that other monster - which made it even more disgusting - but everyone seeemed to be in a haze lately. All of them too shocked by what happened. That it just couldn't have happened. At this school, this town. Just after what Kate tried... Another reason I was a monster for them, it was only fair. I filmed it, posted it. Something truly my fault, but no matter - they hold both accounts at the same scale. I know this thing alone was only my horror, no matter what my ex-friend did. I knew she was drugged, I could have helped. And I hated mself even more for it. I wouldn't allow my condition to excuse it. Which didn't mean to stand in for it. Just holding out all the hate I deserved. Fuck, they dont even know it, how should they? I kept it best hidden like all the other things. Essentiallly my life, my true self. Being rich helped a lot there. Going to private sessions. Not even Taylor or Courtney knew, but it didnt matter much now, as they left me already. _Finally_, a voice in my head told me. _You deserve to be alone_. But they just could believe what everyone else did and those two tried their best to redeem themselves. Doing a good job about it. Cutting myself off, ending the fake friendship that was rather slavery for them. It was better for them. They deserved a new start too. They had qualities and talents I never appreciated until they were gone.

Many will believe I am just a rich girl, pumped every bit of money and arrogance into her, only caring about appearance and career. Cutting who comes into her way. Bleeding them out. - And to the outside it might seem true, but they never care to put themselves into my shoes and how could they without knowing what's under the surface. But actually most times it was right. I dont think I am more than that. Just a shell for their perception of hatred. Someone clearly has to be and I accepted my role. Now that the hate just pured out, the flood needs a target. If Kate would know, she could assume it's for the greater good. But no, I only did it for self-hate. The only thing left in me. The only constant in my thoughts. _Give it to me_, I thought. _I deserve all of it and more._

The bell rang. Everyone fleeing the cursed space. Except Kate, who gladly changed schools. I couldnt argue against that. As far as possible away from all, from me. It was pure luck she survived the jump, maybe a miracle she believes and she takes the second change serious like a good christian would. In some sense I envied her faith. To see something bright in life, even for a short moment. How do christians handle this condition? Are they even punished this way, when sought to be walking saints? No, Victoria, the old religious spite doesn't suit you anymore. Can you maybe move on from that? Who cares. Before I could indulge into more punishing thoughts, I had to notice the room was almost empty. I had to leave before I attract unwanted attention, as if this wasn't the standard by now. People getting brave or uncaring enough to stand up to me, insult me in daylight in front of others, as if I infected this building with my own image. Why does it still surprise me? Or that each time if felt harder and harder for me to push back. Should I even? Does it make me suspicious? They can't find out about me. It would destroy some of the hate. But I needed it to get through the day. A reason to get up from my depression. Shit, I think I forgot my pill today! Fuck, I can't even tell if I forgot something or not with this disorder. Lets me forgot the simplest of things. I dont think I even remember which day it is. Wednesday?

_Pathetic._

My mind was always right. Deep down I knew what shit I was. But fuck fuck fuck! I needed too long, Mr. Henrikson noticed me still here spacing out like this stupid hipster. Stung like by a real bee I stood up, almost dizzy. Packed my things and fleed the crime place. Get yourself together! You are not crazy, just sick. Sick to the core. It cost everything to not just run to her room. Like I needed a safe space. _No, you dont. You just pretend to be like that_. Faker. I didnt look up on my way back, knowing it too well as too pay attention to my surrounding, the known hateful gazes. Normally I would at least gaze back. Do I get weaker? Am I that pathetic? You are the Queen Bee! Not anymore. _You never had any power here_. I grimassed, hoping no one noticed. Fuck my brain! I hate you. I. HATE. YOU. Despite the plan I got faster as I went outside. Fuck, and I have to drive back in this mood. Like some sicko needing help. But i dont need any help! No one cares and I wont either. As if it changes anything what those 'doctors' diagnosed me. It just a letter, some lines of bullshit. Fuck them, I know what I am and what not, they can screw themselves. Telling me I have daddy issues or something. Just cause some beating and blackmailing didn't help any kid. Or that... that... no she cant think of that right now.

_Daddy gonna show you how to behave now_.

My hands turned into fists and I couldnt hold my anger back. I couldnt fathom anymore if anyone was nearbye. When the fury gribs me, I am capable of anything. I tried to find my key in my handbag, but it didnt want to turn up. I throw the bag into the november snow and screamed like I didnt in a long time. I didn't care. I started hitting my own car like the psycho I am. Cursing at it.

„You fuckin shit! You pathetic little piece. You are nothing! No one cares. Fuck them! FUCK FUCK FUCK them!“

It left me as fast as it came, leaving me like a demon, only emptyness left. I fell to my knees, only know noticing the tears. And confusion in my mind. Blank staring at my bleeding fists. Great. Just great Victoria. Before I could try to collect myself, the noise of someone clearing his voice came to my ears. No.... please not that embarrassment too. But it couldnt stop the steps coming closer, making this crispy noise of shoes in the early snow. Just stopping a foot or so in front of her.

„You wanna talk about it?“

I wouldn't have cared for the world for whoever uttered those stupid line, but I recognized the voice immediatly. With ashamed or shocked face I turned my head just enough to see her. Rachel fucking Amber. Of all the people I didnt want to see, she was on my top list.

„You!“

I couldnt work it out to speak more before my voice broke. Brilliant. Best entry ever, Vic. As if it wasnt enought to give her all the ammunition against her right now.

„Yes, me. I know you propably dont want to see me, exactly. But I doubt, anyone else would be willing to listen. And I have a feel, you could need it.“

And those words really made me speechless. Despite her being a supreme liar, I am one too and so very well able to tell if someone does. But in her face was only honesty written. Even sadness in her eyes. What the fuck?! I couldnt compute this unexpected change. My mouth opened and shut again.

_I could need it._

Rachel offered her hand.


	2. A Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rach and Vic talk.. a lot. And come to an agreement. Rach shares her trauma. And Vic having a great case of internalized homophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This length is what I am from now on aiming at for every chapter. Not sure about the story length yet.

Rachel's Hand was still streched out in my direction. Wavering there for a full minute with me staring at it as it was poisenous. Despite the willing for help like it seemed on first glance, I couldn't just believe it. This was Amber we were talking about after all. Not better than me, just better in hiding in plained side. Beloved. Pfft.

I finally ignored her offer by slapping her hand aside. Getting up awkwardly slow and shaky, followed by swishing off any grain from the ground. My skirt had already some stains. Awesome. Another loss today. Not to speak about her bleeding knuckles. Fuck. 

I still ignored Amber while taking up my handbag and fished out the keys without trouble this time. Using it to unlock the door and grabbing for the vodka bottle still in there, cold enough in this winter. Rachel observed all this with curiosity, but without words. Fine to me. I poured some of the clear alc on each hand, hissing through my pressed teeth. Hope that should be enough to disinfect that shit. No time to think about a hospital visit. Especially with her records. More question is the last I wanted. Maybe I should just ignore her entirely and drive home as fast as possible get the rest of the wodka into me instead of wasting it like that.

But nah, curiosity is just as big a bitch as I am myself. My sworn enemy wanted to help me? Pah, enemy – that goes for literally everyone now.

„What is it Amber? Going among the sameritarians? Maybe should have used that for the Bible Thumber instead. Oh, wait – too late for that.“

It was okay to have my bite back, even if it didnt had the same feel to it like it used to have. Everything changed and I only hated it more the second. And what does Amber? Not even blink an eye to it. Even now she seemed to have the upper site. Fuck her and her hypocrisy.

„If you didn't notice, I care about her and I wish i was here when it happened. You really think it was that easy to not come back earlier? But what do you know without real friends...“

As she said that, she still had that sad glint in her eyes. I expected all, especially spite and playfulness like usually. She should be able to go back to normal, even more compared to all the others that didnt suffer from Jeffershit like her. It is a wonder to some that she even survived that encounter. But I know her better or I think I did. Now I am not so sure anymore. After all she was always perfect little Rachel, an angel to every salvating young boy or girl. And they her fucktoys how it goes. She propably fucked Jeffershit too. She almost vomitted at that thought.

„I know you are thinking, I am not better than you. And maybe you are the only one seeing that. Yeah, to you I am not an angel. Even if you won't believe me, I respected that about you. We two bitches know best to hide who we are. Just for me unfortunately my cover was a better one. And I know you hate me for that.“. Rachel went on.

„Shouldn't be a secret to anyone that we hate us and I dont think I am the only looking behind your facade by now. And I definitively give a fuck what you are thinking about me. I won't listen to any more primers you set up to punch me down. I get it, you saw the opportunity to get some nice blackmail material on me seeing me breaking down.“

Saying that, Rachel stood upright and lost that sad glint. Did the cover slip?

„Of course you won't make it that easy, but I swore... I thought seeing you like this, I want to change something. I don't know exactly what, but I am sooo pissed not able to do anything. What do I say? To hide like a coward. If it wouldn't been for Max, I propably would still hide or run away like i always do. So I guess that changed – more honesty finally. Sick of lying.  
So, no Victoria. I won't blackmail you.“

„What than? Keep this victory in mind to stroke your beaver later this night? Didn't take you for the perverted one.“

As I said that, I regretted it. Fair enough that I still called bullshit and won't slip my habits. But why did I have to go there? Its disgusted enough to me that she... does it to girls. Fucking freak.

„Good one, but you sell yourself too high and I am not that desperated. Even if it was long ago... Maybe if you would stop that act of yours Tori. But no, I decided I hang around at least as long as you need to accept I might be able to change. Fuck, I don't even know why I should help you. Maybe you remind me of myself... or I just don't wanna see you hanging low that recently.“

I almost slipped my game over that nickname. No one called me that... But she won't get me that easily.

„Hanging low? Did that punk perverted your slang as well? Just cause some people need to vent, doesn't mean we are not in the game. You saw me frustrated, so what? Making you insecure Miss Perfect? Maybe you should stop those drugs you are taking.“

Amber seemed to wince for a second, but cut back fast to before.

„Still trying to pull some wound point in me? Sounds rather desperated for you, Tori. At least I try to make peace with my demons. Like did I do drugs and they put me into this misery to begin with? Yes, sure. And I happy not becoming an addict, it was a close line.  
But you... you seem to taking something or pulling some weird stuff. I am not dumb. I can see your mood swings and behaviour changes. That is not your normal game. And it is getting worse, right? Come on, you can tell me what you are taking. No bullshit. Just see... i got experience is stopping that.“

Now it was to me to look surprised again. She was thinking.... I started to laugh. She observed me well just to draw the wrong conclusions. Shit, I didn't plan to laugh, but I couldn't stop now. Which makes me seem even more suspicious. But I didn't care. This situation was just too ridiclious. And yes, Amber was more than confused.

„Is.. is that just a joke to you? I don't know what it is, but the effects scare me a bit. Is it a psychedelic? Are you tripping?“

She tried to look me into the eyes, but I wouldn't let her until I ended my shuckles. Premium content. Everyone hates my guts and Rachel Amber of all people asks me if I am taking drugs. Seriously! And just at that I started to cough uncontrolable, wasted my energy with that outburst. I hold my chest until I felt a bottle on my lips to realize she was offering me water. Whatever, this situation couldn't get worse, so I just drank it. Empty actually and felt a tid bit better. And better be when I still wanted to drive.

But before that I had to get rid of her somehow. Maybe she is done with half the truth for the moment.

„Sorry, but this situation was too ridiclious, even for you Amber. I wish drugs were my only problem, when everyone is hating my guts. Thanks for that, but no – my therapist certainly wouldn't recommand any, especially not psychedelica. I admit, I tried all kinds of course, but just so to better know NOT to take them as well. Alc is my only poison, so piss off and let me drive home.“

And that was as polite I could have been to her right now. Or anyone. Maybe not to Maxine, but I wouldn't tell anyone. As much as the hipster sucked, she is all I am not and actually good human. And fuckin better at photography sadly.

„I mean, I would never laught at this, but if it is that, you have a point. But that doesn't explain what the heck is goin on with you. I saw you drop like this when you thought no one else is paying attention, but never that strong. You said therapist – you forgot your medication?“

My eyes widened enough that she noticed and I couldn't stop her from replying to it.

„Hey, its okay. We all take some things, I guess. Who doesnt take Anti-Depressiva. Yep, right guess. You really need to relearn your pokerface game Tori.“

I looked with natural disgust at her. Not because I lost my game, but because she was right. And I hated other people being right about me. This was a step over boundaries to me.

„Yeah, fuck shit Amber, I bet you take them as well. And even if i might have not taken them today – its not why this happened. You can go a day or two without them and don't fall back. You should know better than believe anything your crazy girlfriend tells you.“

With her grinning Victoria knew she told too much and what she wanted to know. Fuck, today is really not her day. Fuck being vulnerable. She just wanna get home and watch some animes. And whatever, eat some carbs for gods sake, now she deserved it.

„Nice try, but pretty weak. Not to say she is my EX-girlfriend, if you wanna know. But that aside, yes I took them for a while, but didn't do anything for me really – which doesn't mean it won't for anyone else. Chloe clearly needs them, but not my game anymore. So if its not drugs and not medication, what else is shaking you so much? You got something, right? Something you were very good at hiding to everyone else.  
How I drive you home – cause you look like you can't – and if, really if, you want, than you can tell me what.“

My stare became just more intense. As I tried to look behind her plans. An Amber not up for fight and gossip? Made me almost afraid to ask what triggered that. Did... it shake her up so much? I... don't wanna think about it. And clearly, I need a drive. Still I don't wanna own her. If i pretend to talk, I might come around. Fuck, my hands hurt. No way I can grab something for long with those. Looking at them I notice all the broken fingernails and cuts. Shit, I can forget manicure for that. Yes, I look bad and propably my make up as well. 

„Okay, this time. A one-timer and if I get to know that you... whatever, you know the drill, And I dare you to call me Tori again, Rach.“

With that Amber only smiled, not minding that nickname. I surpressed another grimasse, too many weren't good for your face. As she hold up one hand, I reluctantly put my keys into it.

„And if my car gets just one scratch, you pay for it, so we are clear! And no tickets either.“

Amber just shrugged, but than agreed with a smile after I starred her down. To say she lost all bite seems wrong, I will stay cautious. But I doubt Blondie will kill us both just for the sake of it. At least I hope not. On the other hand what loss would it be? What if people are turning her down recently too? Did she lost friends? It seems her plaything had enough at least....

As we went in and buckled on, I kept thinking about it – if she wanted to be honest, I could test that. Hadn't played the gossip game in a while and propably won't make any use of it, but having the opportunity here on bare hands could give some satisfaction if her star is truly falling from grace.

„So, you want to say that your plaything had enough of you using her and cut your wings off her? I mean, she was a lost case as drop out punk, but to indulge into... things with you was even too disgusting for me to use it as gossip. She is sick to the head. But I knew that. What about you? Finally seeing that is unnatural to bang chicks?“

Again, a little wince. The right point, yes, I need that after that embarrassment, maybe I can pay it back a little. Even if it is indeed disgusting.

„You like to tease, I know. I admit this wound is not healed yet, but don't think it bothers me talking about it. You should know that this only helps. But who am I talking to... clearly someone who has problems with her own sexuality. Or do you think I take that you live in the 50s?“

„At least I know where my future is. Just boring ass husband and kids is nothing wrong when you want to capitalize on your career. You don't see it, but people expect certain things from a girl of my league.“

„That is denying your attraction? Just to put up the picture of a perfect family. I wouldn't stay around to see it fall apart when you cheat your husband with a hot girl. If I say I observe people I mean it, it was always my capital. You think you were unreadable, but my gaydar sees every little stolen gazes you gave Max.“

The name alone let her twitch a bit before she could subdue it. How... no one knew, should know that I liked Maxine... as a friend. Despite what I was telling others, she kinda came clean with that hipster. I wouldn't call it friendship, pah, but they had mutual respect for each other. Respect I had for no other person. But I thought I kept even that a secret. Was I falling apart? Could people see me now? Fear spread in me.

„Okay, maybe you think you are so clever, but than you should know that we are only.... aquaintances. We helped each others in projects and give honest opinion about our work. That much I willing to admit so you don't get the wrong conclusions. Beside it doesn't interest me what she is doing in private. I doubt she has it in her to do anything deviant.“

While that said, Amber got a mischevious, almost winning grin in her face, which made me quite insecure for a moment. What....?

„I shouldn't say, but as you have no one to tell it who would believe you – its just too good to not see your face. Our little Max is actually quite gay. Or bi like me at least. She is newest flame of Chloe Price, as we talk. Fresh 2 months ago after the Hero Max saved her. You must know, they knew each other since childhood before falling out for some years. But still wouldn't hold them from finally confessing to each other. So I never had a chance to begin with. And when I think I was the one to introduce them to each other....“, she ended on a more sad note.

I was in shock. Maxine and... the dropout? The disgusting punk living in a car? How could she...? Doesn't she has at least standards. And a girl on top of that? I couldn't fathom that indeed. She betrayed me! Wait, what? How? I start shaking. Did... didn't I do the right things to put her on a better path? With training she could have been the next Queen Bee, especially after the rebrand of the Vortex Club. But something else was gnawing inside me, but i couldn't put exactly what. Some strange, yet familiar. Did I sweat?

„You don't seem well Vic, do... do you need any medication. Or some air and a walk? Didn't think it would hit you that hard. You know, it wasn't easy for me either to accept she had someone else. That my love didn't love me back anymore and it was my fault.“

The audicity! To talk to me like that. Like some....

„You don't know what you are talking about! She just sacrifices her talent and career for this punk. For what? To be a fucking freak?“

„You know its not about that. She is happy, even you can see that! If you would be a friend truly, you would be glad for her. But instead you let your jealousy eat yourself up!“

„You are so wrong! Me and jealous, pah! Better look at yourself, fucking freak. Being a promiscious bitch, cheating men with other girls. No, no cheating, cause you sleep around with just anybody.“

Now even Amber was enraged and I didn't care in this moment if she would drive us into a ditch. But instead she did the opposite: Drove to the side and stopped the car.

„Okay, valid point there maybe. Yes, I was a bitch, hell still am propably, but you don't change from zero to hundred in one night. But yes, sadly I did all that. I was promiscious, I was a cheater, betrayed people. And I hate myself for it. I want to be done with this past, but it haunts me. Everyone knows about it, latest since the case closed. It is written in my face, you know how that is!“

As if she was confessing, but I wouldn't give it to her that easy.

„Yes, but I don't care. Shall they hate me! I laugh at it. I survived worse things. I am still faithful to myself. I am not some stupid slut, who is so deviant to make it with other women. Disgusting is what you are Amber!“

„Nice callback Vicky, don't you get tired of using the same insults? I won't retract to attack your person as well like I used to. This shit is just some of that poison that let us ending up where we are now, don't you see that? And for my part, I am have no problem being bisexual, even proud of it. It didn't lead me to betray people, love is just love. But you won't even see this simple truth about yourself, Vic. Maybe if you accept that part of yourself, you would start to see that you are not so much different than us 'freaks'.“

She went clearly out of breath or she would still give counterfeit. But her posture still showed agitation. Fuck her. It was a mistake to let her drive.

„Fuck you Amber and your hypocrisy! Of course its what made you deviant. Who else would think about cheating? I am not... I am not like this. I would hang myself rather than...“

But before she could finish that sentence, her head swung to the side as effect of being slapped in the face. For such a petite girl you wouldn't think that Rachel Amber had such strength in her limbs, but she did. Very much so. I saw stars for a quick second and than came the pain and heat rushed in. While her jaw felt weirdly numb for a while.

With a confused mind she looked into the terrifying eyes of Rachel, starring her down like an angel of revenge. What the hell...?

„Listen closely, Chase. By hell I tried my best, constantly wondering even try. But here is a story you should hear for once. And as I have your attention: There was a time I wasn't the proud bisexual, even know I doubt myself often enough. But the most as I came to the conclusion I might be it.  
I was thirteen, crushing for that girl from my school and I had crushes on boys before. My parents aren't the most loving, but for some reason I still thought they would except me how I am. Never was I more wrong. My mother just forbid me contacts with girls outside of school, but my father... he was a mean drunk. Actually mean without it. Never hit my mom, but when I came out he thought it was a good subject for testing if he could beat it out of me. Why do you think I could relate to Chloe fast? Daddy issues seem to be a good first date material to talk about...“

She indeed chuckled with tears in her eyes for a moment.

„It didn't stop there. With 15 he thought he had to punish me harder. Don't know what went on in his drunk brain. Maybe my... qualities grow too attractive for him. And no, he couldn't do, fell asleep before anything serious happened, but I was scared to death. And the worst: I thought it was my fault alone. That I was destroying my family, my own life. That my attraction was the cause for it. So I tried to kill myself... by hanging.“

She took a long breath. While mine seem to gone missing. I went pale. I didn't.... but I couldn't put my gaze from these hurtful words.

„Of course my mom found me, I survived. But nevertheless I knew it was enough. I couldn't anymore. So i fled the hospital in that night. To shorten it: It wasn't for long but in the end my mom could invoke one of those things that he couldn't come closer than 100 feet to me. But still, my family was broken. I was. It took time to take pride and I think I went through all this promiscuity due to thinking I wasn't worth it. That I was exactly the scum you thought me to be. I don't want that anymore. I just realized with losing Chloe that no one will just come to save me and forgive me, but myself. So never – never – ever say that again. I know it's not worth it. Trust me.“

And with she lost all bravado. Like flame shortly lit to lowering down fast. I heard people describing Amber as intense, but never this emotional way. Damn, she really hid that shit well. It reminded me... no, I don't want to be... calm Victoria. Calm. Breath in. Breath out. Like Dr. Lawrence showed you. I forgot the pain and Amber for a moment. Focusing hard on her wristband. Which was like a rubberband actually, making it able to snap it back against her skin to distract. Exactly what I did for some time, actually forgetting how long. Maybe someone said something while that, but I was lost in this moment. Thinkining nothing is better than this. Yes, emptiness. It hurts, but it is always there. Never went. I hate this, I hate feeling this. But that's why hate is what I need. For some weird reason it holds me here, in reality. Slowly I became aware of my surroundings again. Amber still sitting there, an expression full of worry sitting in the face.

„Are you back? You seemed somewhere else. It... it triggered you, right? I saw that before, with Chloe. Damn, I am sorry. It was impulsive of me. It...“

But I interrupted her, had to. It was a weird enlighting moment.

„No... actually I should apologise too. I guess... it triggered you too. We are even than. Fuck, I hate this day. We won't talk about this again, okay? I won't tell anyone. Enough of this... embarrassment.“, I tried at least to be nonchelant, but inside I was torn open. 

Conflicting emotions fighting. I don't want her here, I want to be alone. But in a sense I feel guilty. I did that, I hurt someone again. Sure, I am used to it and hate makes me feel alive. But I know as well I don't want to feel this anymore. I wanna feel... happy they say? Can't remember the last time I did. Did I ever...? My head felt so heavy suddenly that I had to hold it with one hand. We are in the nowhere, I can't just prompt her to go. She has the keys. I feel like shit. What if she means it? To help? What if I make her hate me... again? She...

„Tell me... Rachel, do you hate me?“

I didn't want to make it that dramatic sounding, but my voice felt strange. I couldn't make it sound soft somehow. How do people do that? Did I never talk differently? I fell back into the seat, only now noticing how cramped up I was. My back and neck was hurting. Also not a new thing to me.  
„Hate you...? Oh Vic... no. I mean I see why you would think that. It must seem as the whole world hates you right now. But it is not your fault. Nah... don't say it. It was Nate and even when you had a hand in Kate's, I know now that she was in that stream of thinkining before. We could discuss long why you did what or why I did what I did. Like if I could have done something differently. Its only important to work on the now, not live in the past.  
I know, easier done than said. I am still trying. But maybe we don't have to alone anymore. I mean – I was intense just seconds ago. Hadn't done in a long time but propably needed that. And so kinda envied you for just letting it go back then. Yeah snort all you want about it. But I actually never hated you as a person. Always seeing there was trouble behind those pretty eyes. But not against me, only against yourself. Something is hurting like its hurting me, just different. And maybe only know I see it really, cause I see clearer about myself.  
Like said, my offer still stands, but I also get when this was a bit much. We don't even have to be friends for that, I am getting at. Chloe is still there, but it is not same anymore, I don't even know if we are still friends. And Max is... Max. And it still kinda hurts to see them together. I don't have anyone else here. Isn't it the same for you? Anyways...“

Seeing her sitting there, talking shit like the world hangs on, but at the same time so hopeless as she has given up already. I am as broken? Did they just discard us? The Alpha Bitches? Maybe we never were them. All just smokes and mirrors. I am sitting here, propably giving the same picture. Pathetic. I am pathetic. Maybe even more if I decline. What options do I have? It all seems like a cosmic joke already. Am i the punchline? A bad one at it than truly. Ah fuck modesty, never my style. If I go down, maybe I should take her with me too.

„Okay, Amber. We are not friends... and we won't become some anytime soon. But okay, I think I have to believe you with all this shit, kinda fair. Doesn't mean I just will tell all my secrets. I... make a try. If you cut me, you are dead to me, okay?“

„More than I hoped from your side. But please, call me Rachel or it gets annoying very soon.“, she smiled a bit again.

„Okay, as long as you take the same respect. So we got a deal? Project Soul Impact.“, I mumbled. Holding out a hand. She took it.

„Okay Vic, I will. I take it as a good sign that you let out your inner nerd.“

I was set back until it dawned what she meant. Fuck, I thought I said that only in my thoughts! I felt a blush creeping up, so took my hand back and looked to the window, crossing my arms. I regret everything already. But a Chase stands to her word.

„I... what I can say... what I am. So what I am definitive not certainly not.“

Rachel nodded, but had a glowing hint in her eyes. What was she....?

„I have a condition, yes. Or... Disorder. I hate those words. A diagnosis.“

„And you hid that? Private session I assume? Not bad...“, I glared her down and she apologised.

„So... do you... ahem... fuck I never said it out loud to anyone besides my therapist. Not even my parents.“

„I guess neither of your lackeys?“

„No, not even... they are not...! Okay, fuck, yes, I treated them like shit, we get them. I lost them, okay?“, I couldn't hinder my voice to sound hurt.

„Yeah, I get that. Been there, done that. Some things we can't undo, but some we can fix. Don't count them out yet, who knows.“

I looked bewildered at her. Yeah, as if. Sooner the hell freezes over.

„Anyways, what I am trying to say exactly.... I got BPD. You know what that is?“

Rachel seemed to think before answering carefully. Wow, I am not some wackjob you need silk gloves for.

„Borderline you mean? Okay, I heard some but I don't wanna assume and rather hear it from you if that is okay. I mean if you wanna tell me that is.“  
I gawked at her with open eyes. Is she for real? I got cautious.

„You.. you mean that? Essentially everyone calls us monsters or drama queens. I bet you have all those prejudices flying around in that little head of yours. Out with that, you said not lies.“

„Ohh... I get why you are defendive there. But I mean it. I don't recall much beside what you mentioned just and I don't buy into that trope. I have PTSD after all, getting flashbacks and panic attacks from what I told you. I have no right to judge other nor do I think mental health is something should ridicule.“

I still gawked, but soften my expression. I felt catched in my behaviour. She was right, I just assumed like they would about me. Fuck, is.. is that something I did before. I am certain of it. Shit shit shit.

„I... am sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. But... fuck... they tell these lies and make us out as those soulless people who out to hurt people. And... they are right sometimes... I mean... fuck. I know I hurt people, why do I even bother. Why? You should hate me, forget what I said.“

I felt control slipping from me. I can't explain it. I can only ever tell lies. What if I told them long enough to believe them myself? But they hate me! They have to be true! I am a monster. They see me as what I am. A bad person. I can only hurt people and I will, I can't hinder it. They have all right to call me out, I can't justify what I do. I should die. I...

Before I went on, someone grabbed me, shaked me and softly refraiming my face, so I looked into her eyes. Pretty hazel brown eyes. It startled me enough to wake me from my phase. They had a warm caring glow to them.  
I forgot what I was thinking for a second.

„Hey, hey. Vic, I am here. You went for a moment. You are here again?“

I nodded weak.

„Okay, I let go of you now. You are safe here, you know that, right?“

I nodded again. I felt dizzy, but safe. In her hands. Which went away and left my cheeks cold, making me missing the warmth. Yes, just the warmth and the safe feel. But otherwise, yes she was still there waiting, no pressure. Just calm and worried. Fuck, I felt strange. Like my world came crushing down like it usually does when I am border. But... but this time someone... saved me? I am confused, but also relieved. For a short moment I felt less lost, less empty. What was it? I couldn't grasp it. Like an idea just flying away. My heart ached. Why?

„I guess, this sort of thing happens often? You were insulting yourself, making you out as some great evil you are not. Than you went into space, but I guess on the inside you were spiraling more? Is it bad, am right?“

I had lick my dry lips and clear my voice. Ups and downs are usual, but this day tops it.

„Ahhmem. Yes, I... or other call it sometimes 'being border', cause that. I... hate myself. Not just normally, but... it is like, like it's ingrained in me. And sometimes it's too much. I feel guilty, for everything, but... how shall i say... everything. It's the only possible explanation. Than... depression, people leaving me, mistrusting people.... and feeling empty. It is bad, but... but... hhhh... but worst are the mood swings. I can't decide how I feel and it changes so so so often a day. I....“

I couldn't quite put it into words, couldn't even to myself. It just feels to much right now again. Fuck, I can't even talk right, can I? She must think I am stupid... fuck, Vic, stop, she is talking!

„Hey, you don't have to explain it in one chunck. Maybe I just check it myself and we see when I have questions or you tell me with examples?“

I just nodded. I can't believe who I told that. But I can't listen to my brain right now. You can't trust anyone. They all lie.

„Okay. At least I get it on the surface. It must be exhausted. Wow, if I think I would have... no, stop, that's insensitive. We are not friends, but I won't be a jerk with this. It's better I do my own research. I will help you with that, I just need to figure out how. Sorry, shouldn't sound like I am commanding here. What do you think?“

I thought for a moment, somewhat clearer than before. The tide rising for me again it seems. I totally need to get home. So yeah, whatever was best. I knew, if I waited longer, I would lash out at her again. Somehow... did that matter now. Maybe this thing was something.... good.

„Yes, I have no better ideas about it really. And I feel like... you shouldn't talk much to me at the moment.“, I said with fleeing voice.

„Okay, I can sense that. Maybe I get i feel for that, as weird as it sounds. I mean, the more I know, the better I can react. Maybe that's something. I will drive you back than. Just one last think: I know stressful things happened, but is that all why it went worse?“

I looked at her. She was cleverer than is good for her. But somehow it was comforting to not press on it. Who would have thought that sharing can feel relieving? Fuck, my therapist was right again. Of course she was. Damn old hag.

„Careful, Am... Rachel. But yes, you are right. I really have it noticable since I was a teen. Back then I had untreated depression, which usually covers a lot I read, until on medication. Here I took a lot of adderall to sleep and other soft stuff that made my mind kinda foggy. On its own okay, but propably not as a mix. When all went south, I just skipped it cold turkey. No withdrawals really for gods sake, but after some weeks I felt border again.  
You have to understand: It's not a sickness or something like that. It is a Personality Disorder. Means this shit just doesn't go away so easily. But sure, try perfect Rachel Amber...“, I mumbled quieter and leant against the car window, while she drove.

I didn't hear response really, but assumed, she took that answer silently. Did she really care that much? Why? I am just a poor devil, jinxing her luck with people again. But than, she seemed to be okay how this was going. I saw her smile at that little jab. It made feel like I lost. But also won something? Blushing to the window a bit, I realized that I was trapped. I hadn't this feel often, but already sensed that Rachel Amber was becoming my new FP. 

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, hope you like it. I don't know how often I will post, but at the moment I feel up to it. (just depression and bpd decides).
> 
> If you don't know what a FP is, I will explain it next chapter or if impatient, you can google it. Just maybe not put it in the comments yet. ;) (its a minor thing, but hey, a little bit of fun for me)


	3. Max OR Doe Eyes don't lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic is willing to talk, but only to her own stakes.  
Instead she gets to speak to Max after 2 Months silence. And she has to confront some hard facts.

Warm Hands on her cheeks, a close hug. Forehead to forehead. A feel of safety. Closeness and security. Heartrate rising, yet calm like never. A familiar smell. Looking into those hazel brown eyes.

The last bits I remembered when waking up to my alarm. Less pictures, more feelings. Familiar and yet strange. I was breathing heavily and my heart was going. It wasn't a nightmare, but.... I was confused. Normally all I remember was nightmares. Reliving things from the day, from the past or the brain having fun creating new horrors. I was used to that in a way, even if I don't like it obviously. This... was new. Some new terror, but also... nice? Bullshit, nothing changed, so why those dreams change? Time to get up.

Still I had to process what happened yesterday. The talk. With Rachel Amber. Unbelievable. A weird trick of fate. Was I supposed to help her back? Gosh, I hope not. Just cause she can become easily a new Favourite Person... still doesn't mean she has to be a friend and be treated like that, deal or not. And fuck it was easy for her to do that as, yes, Victoria Chase, had no real friends at the moment. Why can't it be just my therapist? She is an old hag, but supports me obviously. No, you have to choose the next rando who shows mercy and kindness. Kindness... she treated her BPD with respect. That.... was unexpected enough. I don't know what to think about that. It was a nice chance to feel like someone cares what I am going through, but on the other hand it was pityful Amber.

And what is with Max? Rachel is right, she came closest to a friend before. Was she still? I haven't talked to her since... since all happened. Fuck, I didn't even know she hooked up with that freak. Did it make her a freak too? The world was so easy before. Just the daily gossip and trash, I had the vortex to care for, have a strong look on my future. And I still could, but it all paled down in comparison how shit works now for me. No friends, I mean no lackeys, no one afraid of her cause she is the Queen Bee. Fuck that ridiclious title anyways. I even cared less about my profile. I am still a bitch and there to sting, but I seem more ruthless. Cursing even more than before. I feel mental. Hell, I am mental.

Why did I think it was a good idea to drop my self-prescribed mix? It was never perfect, but kept the worst of my behaviours in check. But how long would have that worked well actually? There was never a guarantee. And the downside: It made me sloppy, less concentrated and less able in what I wanted to achieve, becoming a photographer independent of my parents... I hate them. Why do I follow them? Sometimes I can't tell if there are my dreams or theirs. What is real? Fuck, I hope it is not some of those psychosis some of us get. Oh shit, please no. Wait, its mostly paranoia and often short. But... didn't I do exactly that? Like I behaved yesterday? For fucks sake. I hate being like that. I don't want it. But than I need to be clear to function normal – which isn't normal. A damn cycle of nonsense. Who cares? 

If she is my FP, I could talk to her, maybe it calms my brain. Even thinking this hurts myself in confusion though. Whatever, she won't get to know if she is. As if I would tell her she is a person I instantly trust and care about, just because of some idolization my brain makes me do. Heck no. But as long as it is useful, I need to take it. Maybe I can somehow balance myself more out this way. BPD is treatable and despite my hate for it, I haven't really worked that much on and instead tried to surpress it. Smart, Victoria, smart. You should have known better. Now it comes back like a fury.

It was early and I was glad that no one was showing on the floor, seeing me with enemy. Ex-enemy? I walked in my satin slippers and robe down the hallway and knocked as softly as I could. Still checking if no one saw me. To my surprise the door was opened fast. Of course, she would have her own early routine that bitch. But before I could think more spite, her look set back a second. Even without make up she looked flawless. Her eyes shining in the dimmed light. Is that even possible? I must be jealous of that as I propably look raw and regretted not puttin on anything. I stumbled back a bit, which gave her a confused look.

„Vic? Wouldn't have guessed you coming so soon. If it wouldn't be for our little agreement, I would think you have the hots for me. I am flattered.“

And with that she winked, but smiled without showing any mean. I felt a blush creeping up. Fuck, can my face work like normal once? And I should stop starring or she really thinks I am a freak.

„Not really. I just... wondered if talking therapy is what you have in mind. I don't like you, but at least we are on the same height when it comes to talking like real humans. And beyond the trivial shit of those potheads here.“

„Of course... but arrogance was never my trait. And I wish I had your height to tower over other girls. You are really missing out in not seeing how hot that can be.“

With that she looked up to me in a slightly dreamy way. Of course it was silly teasing and I should call her out, but at the same time I felt ridiclious small. Fuck, don't make me hate my height more than I do already. Bad enough I am taller than some of the boys.

„You wish. But I won't fall for your indignity, which I am able to protect. No, I have some mental health related questions I think even you could give your penny to it. But not now. Later. Lunch?“

I took back my posture into what it should be and felt I settled this with sovereignity. But Amber just smiled innocent as nothing happened.

„Sure think, I can see that too. I mean that we have more in common than even I first thought and if just the bad stuff. So, yes. It's a date! See ya than.“, and with that she closed the door in front of me.

„It's not...! It's not... fuck.“ 

I didn't want shout through the door to get anyone listening. Damn you Amber, this game isn't over! After I squenchend all I need to know out of you, I will defeat you for good. People can need a new scapegoat and that is how you will help me truly in the end...

Seriously I don't get it. She was goody-two-shoes too much. I knew beforehand how impulsive and degenerative Rachel Amber can be. But what now, I fell for her 'good' side. Which was even stranger as she seemed sincere yesterday. Goddamn listening to me for once, striking me out of my Border, which was impressive as no one did that before. Okay, on the other hand no one tried. Cause no one knew. So wasn't it myself who maneuvered me into this trap? Maybe there is a way to find that out.

I remember now how she drove me silent the rest of the way, but mustering me than and than, as if to see if I would do something out of the ordinary or... to care? Pah, if you can believe that. She just set me off and took the bus home. Almost thought that was enough for her newfound conscience to be satisfied, but than she reminded me of our pact. That unholy thing we agreed on. What the fuck is she getting out of this? Despite what she said of her reasons to change, I still call some bullshit at least. There is more to it, I know it! And when I find it out, I will use it. Oh yes, maybe I could have fun with at least this, when everything else is becoming rubble under my feet.

The Day went like every day, except yesterday. At least I tried to not indulge into my thoughts. Better said than done. When Borderline is what you are, it makes you what it is. I was in a neutral mood, which could change any minute. Always a 'nice' surprise. Neutral is rare enough. But people seem to conflate it with my bitchiness, resent or whatever as long as I don't talk to anyone, which I don't obvious. It would be a big tell to others something is wrong. But what if they think that already? That is what I am really scared of. Hate I can deal with, this is my hell you are playing in. But pity, worry or worse laughter? 

It sets me back to the short time I tried to work on it first, some fucking idealistic teenager I was. Just fresh on anti-D and the border program restarted smoothly to my dismay. Only 2 years, but it was hell. Like when you have trouble with being in puberty, mood swings are a normal thing to you. But for me – no, not for me. When normal is 1, I might be as well an 11. Horror Stories to me when my clink told me that most propably aren't diagnosed or treated as teens. That they say we need to wait how it develops to find out if its truly BPD. Are you kidding me? Every stranger could see that I wasn't normal Wasn't behaving like a normal teen. Despite hating my parents, I worked even harder on showing that.

Propably that and not some sense of human decency followed my dad to put me into clinic. And what a fun it was. As if they all cared a shit about the patients. They were the flock and were punished collectively that way. Not to say, how welcome you felt knowing you are with crazed of the crazed, cause – well – you are crazy in some way. Makes you feel really special. Quite the wonder that I got my diagnosis in all of that. And that is what limited yet. Funny – I wouldn't landed there without daddys money, and I wouldn't have left without it. Would propably still rot there. Fuckers.

So I was very keen to try my best to subdue my habits. First step was to align my outer image as bitch with it, which actually easier than thought and opened me many doors. My parents propably just saw that as strong effort, the only thing they really cared about. I had to function, to bring on my legacy or some bull. And later through all the wrong contacts I made my experiences with drugs till I found my 'numb-cocktail' how i called it, transforming into a walkin corpse. As if anyone cared. I gave back all the nice grades and push the Vortex to what it was – a sick elite selfstroking machine of desolation. I can see that now, but I could care less.

And yep, I dissociated again. Which seems to be as a common habit as cutting – yes, guilty there too. And i wish people would know. For some sick joke it is always the Borders thought to cut, when every poor soul literally does it. There was no one in the clinic who didn't do it, like some kind of mental infection. But hey, sometimes it helps, so whatever. Worse is that many think it's is the only thing that makes BPD up and that makes me vomit on my best days. They think they can break down some complex disorder with something physical than can see. Like I am no expert, but I am fuckin living with it!

Okay, Vic, breath in. Breath out. Now is not the place to turn nuclear again. You just had the fury yesterday. She looked around, saw the teacher talking without hearing more than a mumble. Yep, brain fog comes sometimes when you forgot your pill and than take i like nothing happened. But still she checked if anyone noticed her dissociating. Would be priceless to them if they would know that me and the hipster have of all things that in common.

To speak of that. She noticed. Max looked right at me with a worrying expression in her face. Are cereal?! How she would lamely say, shudder. But truly – why did she care now. Weeks after? She must have noticed before. To busy banging that drop-out? The picture itself was disgusting enough. But beside that tore a knot into my heart. Fuck, that again? Was it because she abandoned me? Like everyone does usually. But it hurt more as I might have thought that she was different. That we had a connection. But she betrayed me like any other fucking person!

Okay. Breath in. Breath out. Fuck, it's not working well. Fuck my life. Okay. Okay. What else? I looked at my wristband. I want to use it, but I don't want to out myself as a mental case. What I am even talking about? I am one and I choose to live with it again. Why can't I remember why I thought this was a good idea? Gladly the bell rung. I could make myself slow to have some space alone to calm down. That's it.

Students went out, followed by the teacher. And I almost could sense some peace. Its always worse around people. They make me angry. Or... or sad. I twitched at that thought. Anger is better to explain away. But now she could feel sadness creeping into her. Fuck, maybe when no one is here I could... but I wasn't alone. Freeking Max Caulfield stood in front of me with her puppy eyes.

„It is okay, Tori. You can cry, I make sure no one comes in.“

With that I saw her going to the door, locking it. What...? Why now? She can't...

„I told you to not use that name. And you lost all right to use it anyways.“

I wanted to sound cold and angry, but I only left a first sniff sound out. I was pathetic. This wasn't how I imagined our talk if would come to it. I am not prepared. And she seemed to notice, this reading-me-like-a-book bitch.

„We need to talk, I know. But now when you are indisposed. I just wanted to tell you that. You can come to my room at lunch if you are still willing. I know, I treated you like non-existing. You don't call me a friend, but you are one to me as strange as it seems and shouldn't abandon you either. I don't know why I do this all the time....“

And she really seemed down about that, maybe even mad at herself. What is this week? Everyone is stirring up some shit in me and I don't like it. Some tears are rolling I can't hold back. Good timing, Maxine, good timing like always.

„Should have thought about that before. But you were busy banging that bitch, cause you abandoned her first, what a trait-off. Must be a one million dollar hit for you little dyke, so you don't even have the guts to tell me. Maybe it was better I didn't exist after all. Who cares? And indisposed? Really, where you learn those hipster words again?“

Max seemed truly hurt and I hoped she better is. Least she should feel after she throw me away like some toy. Why is that even important to me? She was never a friend to begin with! But maybe I hoped she could be. A support she was in some way, my FP for fucks sake. I didn't want to admit how much she meant to me, but I missed her and damned the day she just behaved like nothing ever happened between us, whatever that was.

„I deserve that, Vic. I truly do. There is not time to explain so much, but I really want you to know at least. If you still hate me than, I can understand that. Just one last chance is what I hoped for. Can you give me that?“

She damn know me too good to know I wouldn't say no, even if I wanted. But there was more to it. Paranoia is striking the best in me.

„But why now? Why today? Is there a reason you found your weak spine back? Having enough from the freak to see that she won't fill your little traumatic holes? I doubt you have sincere reasons, Max, I do. Fuck.“

Now I couldn't stop crying, shit. It was not as much as expected, but damn you I was doing in front of the hipster I supposedly not care about, who than betrayed me. Feeling are for fuckers. What are even real ones? Would I just cry like some broken heart teen boy too without BPD? And who the fuck cares!

„I thought a long time about it and really... I was scared, I believed you wouldn't even want to see me again. But than someone reminded me how I did that before and was exactly the reason why I didn't even try. I am a coward, Vic. I am and it hurts me too.“

I looked up to Max, who stood very close to me now. My paranoia made me suspicious.

„Who, Caulfield? Tell me who is a better human than you are?“

I didn't plan to use so much bite, but it friggin hurt, okay?

„Rachel Amber.“

I gawked at her.

„Are you fucking kidding me? Why would she? Why would you listen? She the ex of your... your person.“

„I know. And it was complicated with us for a long time. Hella is still. But I don't want everyone to not talk to each just because of a fallout. You know me. But instead she suddenly wanted to help me, don't ask me why, she didn't tell me. But she reminded me like I did the same with Chloe. And I felt like have to listen than. After all she was it who introduced me back to her, cause she wanted us to talk it out. Despite knowing at least that Chloe had feelings for me. I didn't and maybe she could see how we see each other, maybe not. She was ready to risk it for us.  
I had to take that into account. Rachel Amber might be many things, maybe even nasty one. But one thing she seems to be not anymore – a coward. I wanted to follow that example. She even offered me your time at lunch as she considered it more important. I don't know why you are suddenly talk to her, but I think we really should talk about all of it.“

And with that she lost some of her breath. Staring helpless at the ground. Damn it Max, not the doe eyes. She wasn't crying like me, but who knows what went through her head. I didn't know. And I realized I wanted to know again. Once I could easily predict it. Were we friends after all? Is that something they do? I dried my tears that finally stopped and cleared my voice, so she had to look up.

„Okay, Max. One chance. But use it, okay? I have enough of people abandoning me. You know that. I can't...“, but I couldn't end it (..lose you).

She showed a shy smile, seemingly exhausted to say anything else and just nodded. A classic Caulfield. How can you miss such a detail so much? She went up and unlocked the door. Than went, only to throw thumbs up to me before. Okay, I didn't miss that dork. Maybe.

And for a while I kept sitting here as the world belong to me for once. Are there still wonders? What would Kate think? Propably nothing good about me. And Rachel? What is her plan? Why did she thought that would be a good idea? But fuck, I had to be thankful to her for that.

And as I was finally leaving the room, I could see Amber standing nearby, grinning.

„This is not over yet, Am.. Rachel.“, I hissed quietly as I moved past her, only hearing a little chuckle behind me, as the bell rang again. This devil...

The rest of the day went as smoothly as planned, as you can say that. It never became easier. My mood changed several times, but mostly not as extreme as feared. Still I wished there was a pill specifically for that. Just popping it and bam, balanced mood. Sometimes, actually rather often I had to wonder how it feels to not change your mood any hour. Of course, on good days it was more like 5 times a day, but when you imagine that a stabil person has it maybe 3 times a week, its more than normally unimaginable to me. For me this is normal.

And stabil. How I hate those words. Normal, typical. I know without that I am out the norm. Doesn't help to be reminded by such idiotic terms. Some seek some sort of pride in it and call themselves neurodivergent or neurodiverse. I am just me and that's it. But it's different meeting those others, which is rare – I hate group therapy. But I have to give it to them, to be among all the other fre... people you automatically feel fitting in more naturally. For them, those terms might be something. Not for me, but it is... funny to ally together 'against' the neurotypicals how they call them or NTs.

And yes, Borderline is a name everyone knows and pretty much the only reason I would use it further. But yeah, the original history of the word is fucked up, like something about bordering to psychosis, which is bullshit. It's just that your Personality gets fucked up when growing up, so it doesn't develop like it should. Good use than, but not in real life obvious. And there are way worse ones like narcissts. Still doesn't make the experience easier. Some call it now Emotional Instability PD. Pretty accurate, but sure sounds better... not. Why do I even need a label? Who cares.

Lunchtime arrived and my mood wasn't really ready for such talk. Talk is all they want, don't they see that is when the problems arise? I met an autist who said on her own she wouldn't have any trouble, the problems only come when she is in the presence of a non-autist or allist how the correct term is. I feel there is something to it. If no one is around, no one could care how I 'misbehave'. If everyone would be border, no one would see it that way. But even i wouldn't want to live in such a world.

On the way back to my room I tried to sorting my brain. What did I need to know? What could I say? She knows more about me than anyone else. It made me feel weak at first and I never showed that it wasn't the case, but she propably looked right through my bull. That's how we actually got closer. For her I was an easy book to read and I couldn't risk her blubbering out some of this. Paranoia was key to stand on top and it came naturally to me. But over time it became more benefitial, with her knowing stuff I couldn't tell anyone else. 

I stood in front of her door and hesitated. Do I want it to be fixed actually? What if for her I just used her? But than why would she be willing to talk?  
Damn, shut up brain. I knocked before I could decide otherwise. I heard some stumbling. Maxine was very clumsy when she was nervous. I couldn't surpress a smile. The door opened and showed nervous but smiling Caulfield.

„Almost though you wouldn't come. Glad I am wrong.“

„You shouldn't catastrophize all the time, Max. Not a good habit.“

„Says the one who does it propably right now in her head.“

Chapeau. I felt attacked. She knows that it is a key trademark of BPD. We are very good at seeing and fearing the worst sadly. On one side it made me a survivor, on the other... lonely.

„Yeah, yeah. I didn't come to exchange jabs. If you wanna talk, than do this. I don't wanna regret this. So let's get over with it before my brain thinks it is just a trick.“

And I wasn't pokering on that. That shit happens too frequently. That's why we have trust issues. Essentially it was broken big time as a kid, so it becomes a herculanian task to build it up again. Thanks mother, thanks father. 

Max showed me inside and closed and locked the door behind us. I was welcome by an indistinct smell or rather summary of different odors I couldn't put. And just naturally all clothes and things creating a chaos worth to be called abstract art. Which Max propably would agree on. And yes, her poleroid wall was still the same, except for new pictures – picturing the punk. Including them kissing. I retracted my view from that with a stale expression that was noticeable. Did I saw also one with her? Too late to check, I wouldn't dare it again.

„So...“

„Soo, yes.“

We both looked the first time really at each other, uncertain how to start this whole soul quench. Come, Max, I am not the type to pull anymore. You wanted me here.

„Sorry... I though the words come easier to me. But hey hey, I will talk. You teached me at least that, to force me breaking uncomfortable silence.“

She smiled shy again. Yes and it was hard work!

„How about an official apology? I am sincere sorry for abandoning you. And there is no excuse for it, but I want to explain at least why I did. Damn, I didn't think 2 Months would go so quickly, but I guess that is when you are... in love. Rachel said she told you already and I am not happy she did, but I guess it makes things easier now. Yes, she brought me together with Chloe Price and yes, we are a couple.  
And wait, I know how you stay to that and you weren't a fan of her before. I don't expect you to be all friends with her suddenly, just respect that she is... my girlfriend now. Still not easy to say that. Still new and all.  
But I have to clear it up... you know all the bull we went through. Like what I had to do. I felt like I need an out time. Time for me and the newfound luck I possessed. It was egoistic and badtimed. I see that now, but then I only could feel the hunger, the need for something I felt I deserve. I couldn't just take in the hurt from everyone else. I deserved to be me! To live for once in a while since... since she almost died.“

I listened carefully, but every sentence made me mad again. I wanted to understand her, but she can't assume it's so easy.

„Yes, and where were you when I needed you? You just said you thought I was a friend. And maybe I saw it the same way, even if I denied it. Yes, I was shitty, but I believed you could make me a better person. You listened when no one else did. And maybe it seems like not much, I fucking needed you I know. I did terrible things, people have a right to hate. I lost so-called friends. When I never had any – besides you.  
Fuck, I know now that I wanted this to work out. Maybe I could have changed like the crap Rachel is telling herself now, but she is wrong. I am bad person and I hurt people! But maybe, just maybe superhero Max could have saved me too!“

I don't know where this accusation came from. I just admitted to be unsavable to give her the fault for not doing anything in the same take of breath. Fuck, what do I want? Max was taking aback, but didn't falter. Something I teached her too or did the punk colour off on her?

„I am not a hero, whatever anyone else says! I didn't choose solve a criminal case I have no interest in. Everyone is celebrating me, when I just wanted to save Chloe and keep her safe that is. I don't want to be idiolized as something I am not! And you know that very well, Tori.“

„Shit, yes, I know it. It just felt like you were okay with that role in the sense, you could leave behind. I built you up and that's how you repay it to me, dumping me to the ground. I told you everything and still I am no one to you!“

„Maybe you should have made that more clear from the beginning. I never admitted it before, but I felt used at first. Because I couldn't fathom why you care. Maybe it was pretend all along. But than I saw the real you, the imperfect vulnerable Victoria Chase no one knows. And you didn't 'build' me up, you just helped me, even if you won't see it that way. Just like I did for you. Yes, that's what friends do. I am just a normal person with her own problems, not better than anyone, certainly not you. No one should idiolize me! I am just as weak or I wouldn't have hurt you.“

„That isn't fair. I... I idiolized you. You were there when no one else was. You made me think I... I could do it. Could actually be me, but it was all fake.“

I put my hand onto my mouth, but it was too late. Max gasped quietly.

„You... you did what? Why would you...? Except...?“

Now I had to confess. You never do that. It's not right.

„Yes, okay! You were my Favourite Person, whatever. Do you really think someone else could been it? Tay and Court were nothing. I should have treated them better, really. It was impossible so for them to even try to understand me, being there. But hell they tried and I just disappointed them more and more. It is no wonder that had enough taking the crap from me.  
And I always wanted it to be just my therapist, or no one at all. I was alone the minute I decided to be who I am, or rather the role I planned to play. You weren't supposed to happen. It was meant to be only me, making it through this hell alone, leaving the shit behind, building something up. But you interfered. You shouldn't have!“

„I interfered? That's how you put it? What about pulling the stick out of your ass, seeing that there is more than being just a slave to your parents. You were talking about fate, but that was just bullshitting yourself. Like you usually do. I really hoped I could let you see other options. Like I am even honored you saw me that way. So what went goddamn wrong that you had to take it all back? Was it my fault? Tell me!“

It was quite something seeing her so worked up, almost made me proud. But she never cursed like that before. That must been the influence of the trash she is dating.

„See see see. Words from your mouth. Didn't know you had in your Max, but it doesn't wonder what bad influence that drop out is to you.  
If you wouldn't been so busy doing unspeakable things with her, you would have noticed that all that shit had an effect on me too! What if Kate was successful? And don't say the crap she was in the mood before, I am all the time and don't try to kill myself – well, most times.  
I could have helped her. I could have helped Nate. Anything! Now I am just a cockroach too good in surving the hate and hurt people letting out at it. I am scapegoat and I should be. I am okay with everyone hurting me. I deserve it. But you? You of all people? Maybe I could stand your hate too, but your ignorance was much worse. It destroyed me. Am I that bad?“

I looked at her with a bidding expression, I didn't care who I am supposed to be anymore, I didn't know anything anymore. Maybe I hadn't had a real plan along like everyone is trying to keep telling me. Am I a lost cause? Did she gave up on me as well? I am unredeemable you want to say?  
But instead Max came close again, looked at me with sorrow in they eyes and than hugged me. I was surprised at first, she never did that before, but I didn't defend myself. I just accepted it. It felt good.

„You are not a bad person, and I am sure deep inside you know that. It is your Border. I would say, don't believe in it, but I saw how hard it troubles you. It hurt me to see you indulging in it. So I doubt I would have waiting much longer, even without Rachel telling me so. I figured after a month that you stopped your infamous cocktail and really, it is better so. I think my brain, despite not border, works against me sometimes too. Maybe we all have it that way, just you have it tougher, which is unfair.  
I wish I could been there for you, but these are empty words. I can only be here again now. And certainly stronger through what I learnt and went through. If you want, I still consider you a friend that I want to help.“

She squeezed me softly and I couldn't resist any longer and put my arms around her shoulders as well. Why did no one hug her before? Did she ever wanted that? It felt right at this moment. New but still familiar, it almost reminded her of something, but she couldn't figure out what. Only that she had to reply something at least.

„Ye..hmmhhm... sorry, yes. Yes, I would like that very much.“

I couldn't see her but I felt her grinning I swear. This dork, enough. I was splitting from the hug and looked at her shy smile. I just couldn't answer it yet, but my heart felt a big chunk lighter than it did before. Enough that I had to go an ask what was a problem to me.

„Tell me... why Chloe? Why a girl? Don't you see it isn't right?“

Clearly the question startled her a bit a first, but than she had a determinated look in the face, almost like a soldier.

„That is still something that troubles you? I know, we didn't really talk about then, but I always sensed. You say I read you like a book, despite my protest, maybe I digged something up you didn't even know. You know...“

She seemed to think very concentrated, as if to judge if she can tell this.

„You have to know, I believe, that... I liked you. If it wouldn't been for Chloe, I don't know what could have become of us. Certainly it would have changed everything.“

I gawked confused at her. Does she mean... no she can't!

„What are you talking about? You were perverted all along? You... fancied me? That can't be true. I would have noticed. It's... it's not okay. Is that what you wanted from all the times? Thinking those...“

„No! Hey, Tori, listen. You are overreacting. I just said I liked you in a romantic way, yes, but it was barely there and than there was Chloe. The decision wasn't mine and I had to choose her. But otherwise... You know, there is nothing wrong with having these feelings. Having them for other girls. I noticed that you... felt something for me. But I was afraid, it would destroy our fragile thing that we had going on, even if one part of me wanted that.“

I blinked. I open my mouth and shut it again. I couldn't believe what I heard. I just... none of this is true. I am not like that. She just... I had remember... I did. The stolen gazes, Rachel said. Did I...? Yes I did. But I just... my stomach started to turn over. I couldn't ignored... it's wrong.  
If I am... than. Shit, calm Vic, it is just a mistake, you never had those feelings. You are normal. Shit, I mean normal as it gets. Like your parents wish you are. The norm. Straight that is. Of course. Nothing else.  
It's nonsense to think I felt anything for...but I got some flashes of how Max made me feel. How i felt always safe, how I wanted to see her everyday. How she was kind to me and i reciprocated that. But that's just what friends do, right? Being there for each other, nothing more.  
But there was more. I dreamt of her sometimes, started to missing having her not around me. Wondering what she was doing. Hating it when I saw her with other people. But that is just caring right? She was important to me. Yes she was.

I don't wanna lose her, it hurt like hell when I thought I did. She can't... it hurt when I got to know she was with the punk. Cause it was a dirty person and just wrong? No, cause she was with someone else.... No, that's not true. I can't be jealous of... I can't at all...  
I wanted to touch her, to hug her, to.... it felt great when she did just. I miss her touch. I... fuck... i can't be.

If I was ever more uncertain and conflicted with my emotions, I don't know. I looked at Max, but it only surged more memories and thoughts. I am good at hiding stuff... am I so good to hide it from myself? Max looked concerned but calm at me.

„It is okay, Tori. I know you have many insecurities. You don't have indulge into it, I am just saying it's okay. You are not alone and it doesn't make you feel more like a freak like you call it. And it's an art school after all.“

Yes, she was smiling. The nerve to put a pun into that situation. But that was something liked about her too... And the nickname. She now faced why she adored it to be call that way, but only by her. Fuck. I facepalmed and hold my face into my hands. The embarrassment. What about my plans? Plans my parents wanted me to make? What if I don't want a husband but a... I can't think that to the end,,, yet.

I looked up from my hands, Max still smiling, but not worried anymore. Did she... She knews me too well, it's disgusting. It's why I shared all those things with her. Not just to let her know, but to... cause you liked her dummy, right? You liked her that way you so much didn't want to admit. It's a terrible clichee. Another nightmare. What does that mean?

„I...ahem... I won't say anything you want me to say. I am just not... okay, I might liked you a bit. But no the way you mean. It's just...“

„Maybe it's easier if I help. You want to kiss me?“

Whatever was my train of though, just stopped and crushed down the canyon. I didn't know my eyes could be that open. I starred with open mouth at her. Max blushed.

„Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. You know, I am serious with Chloe, but I asked her about advice if that topic came up. Ashamed to say it, but we talked a lot about. She was afraid I would leave her. But I don't feel that way about you. Or at least not anymore. She was the one suggesting it would clear things up, for me... and you.  
I actually didn't want to bring it up, but I can't see you struggling with something that is just a positive thing. Sorry, it was a stupid idea, forgot, what i was saying.“

I still looked at her blank, but cogs working behind my eyes. I felt cornered and couldn't compute right. And you have to know another things about a bordergirl like me. We are known to be impulsive. Reckless decisions, driving, shopping or.... this.

I lunged forward, gently grabbed her at one cheek and drew her into a kiss.

I didn't know what I expect, but better than any sly kiss I tried before. In the back of my mind I quickly understood why it never felt great before, and why it did now. It felt natural, like something I wanted for so long I forgot the urge existed. But it was there. And oh my good I loved it.

I let go of her, faster than wanted. But clearity came back that it was enough. Max blushing hard and looking still suprised, but than turning into a smile.

„I didn't expect that either. But... I don't regret being wrong this time. And I am really sorry to say it, but there is definitive not more to it for me, I am sorry Tori.“

And as Max said that, I realized she was right. Once I had those strong emotions, but they weren't as present anymore. Still, it felt like something I always wanted. It made sense. Fuck, I lied to myself. Fuck fuck fuck. There was only one thing that went through my mind. Touching softly my lips, the feel of 'just right' lingering on them.

„I am gay.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep, the gay is rising. But no one said it would be easy for both of them. Originally I wanted to let it end on the kiss offer, but than I wanted to make sure that their feelings were vague and not that strong anymore.  
As I am poly myself, i am totally up for writing such, just have other ideas for this fic. But if I get enough shout outs for this one I might reconsider. ;)


	4. Dana OR One flew over Victoria's head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic does something - the consequences surprise her  
Dana has some important advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgot to mention last time - i am also an autist, so i made that little reference. so yeah, you can be both, but I wanted to focus on one topic here.  
CW: blood

We were sitting on her bed, no one talking. I couldn't at her yet after what happened and she didn't say anything, let me calm down. It wasn't just that it changed how I thought about myself, but what it means for my life. My parents were no loving people and they didn't except anything they didn't want or hadn't planned. No matter if it was wrong to them or not. She had to think about Rachels parents. Fuck, she would know best how that is not a possible thing to do. An outing wasn't something she could do.

„You won't say anything, won't you?“, I asked her to break the silence.

„Why should I? It is fine to me. I don't know if you noticed, but I am pretty gay myself... There is nothing wrong with us, with you. But tell me, what makes you afraid?“

„Maybe that I can forget my life? They won't let me be this way. I can't... just be a freak. Fuck, they will kill me for just being border, Max. They don't want a... deviant daughter.“

„You say that like it is carved into stone, but truth is: It isn't. What did you think Rachel did? What did you think Chloe did? Okay, she has an accepting mom, but that doesn't make it smaller. I even thought it is better not to come out. To hide and hope no one finds out. But this isn't a life. And seriously? What do you have to lose? You said yourself, everyone seems to hate you, shit went south like you put it. And being openly border.... now is the time not give a fuck.“

I shaked my head, but still impressed how she cursed like me. What just became of us two? In a better world it would be easier maybe.

„You say that, but who cares? You have Chloe, but I am alone. And I don't think I want anyone in that shithole I am. What I have to lose is the rest of my respect. Like hiding still that I am border. Holding it at least till I am outta here.“

„And what than? I bet you haven't even made plans for that opportunity. Like just waiting what your parents tell you next? You said yourself, they won't like it. And I care about you. I won't let them put you down into some sort of trance. If I can look over what you have done, others can. You say you don't stand in, but you do. I see that your resolution is propably to take all the hate on you and maybe that was it for some time, but now you have to let go as well! Scapegoat is not a job for eternity. You deserve a life.“

„Pah, what life? You call that one? I am eating up myself alive. They won't eat it after all the lies I told. They don't know me, not like you, Max. I wish, everybody could be just like you. The world would be a better place.“

Max stood up and offered a hand I took.

„See, there is where you are wrong. Lots of people are like me and we are no saints, we have prejudices and acting bonkers sometimes. And some just need time realizing, like you did. You think no one noticed your changes and you are dead wrong. They see you. Maybe don't understand it, but they see. Some of them seem sympathetic towards you if you would come along.“

„Like who?“, I couldn't surpress a sarcastic tone.

„Like Dana, Alyssa or Warren.“

„You are kidding me?“

„Nope. Dana is always more open than you might think. You could to her about everything, just start over. You know, she is bi too. And Alyssa knows how hate was directed at her. She doesn't like it, not matter who is affected. And Warren... I guess he is just too emotional.“

„Is he still whining that you go hot only for girls?“, I shuckled.

„Pretty much. He is a good guy, he just needs to learn boundaries. And don't forget you are part of the team now too.“

And such short time only until I got reminded what my newest brand was. I would like to deny it, but the kiss shaked my world.

„I think it would have changed a lot when you would have kissed me like this 2 months earlier. But Rachel was propably right, there was no chance when you were back with Chloe. Must be nice to be so sure about something like that in life.“

„Nah, give you more credit. Like said, the heart wants what the heart wants. Otherwise I could have seen that version of us too. But what would have it changed if I did kiss you? Only more heartbreak propably. Still, I am glad to had a chance to find out for sure still. How was it for you? You haven't told me, although I can imagine.“

„You are good at reading me, tell me. As far as I collected myself, I feel the same. There is not much left, but I can feel what once was. What if would been aware and have fought for you?“, still not looking at her.

„I don't know seriously. And what sense does it make to wonder about What Ifs. We here now, the situation is different, so don't let us grief over something that was only a minor possibility. Think about it, you not alone,“

And with that she went silent, so I had to look at her. She was smiling, mischevious. Innocent Max really seem gone.

„What are you talking about? Nothing changed for me? Hell, i just found out that... you know.“

„Come on, Tori. Don't be so stubborn again, I thought we are making progress? No? There is clearly someone who shows interest and suddenly became very caring towards you. Hint: She set us up today.“

My expression went from confused to frightened to alarmed. 

„Amber? Why would she? She is teasing me, but I don't buy any moment of her sincerity. I rather go to hell as to see her that way. She is evil.“

„And yet you can claim she changed? It is not to me to judge how she is now and certainly I would be cautious about her motifs. But I get better at reading people and oh boy, does she have it hard for you. I guess I am a sort of flower boquet for her to you. She wants to impress you. And didn't you say she treated your right when you were border?“

„As if. She is manipulative, that's all. I am already pissed, I have to thank her for this. We only did a pact of talking, like a peace treaty. Wait, I didn't tell you yet was she did to me.“

Max only smiled. Sly Caulfield. Why is recently everyone learning new tricks. How am I supposed to keep up? It is better I don't tell her anything more about it. About how she could be my new FP, shudder. How she just did something no one did before. How she touched...  
My eyes went wide. No. No. No. It was just the FP thing, that's all.

„You are thinking about someone specific? Anyways, Rachel wants to meet you later instead. Have a nice date.“, Max chuckled.

„Bravery doesn't suit you. One more and I have to finish myself.“, I just uttered while reaching for the door.

„You mean, thinking about her?“, I could hear before the door shut behind me. Did Maxine seriously just had the last word? And I had to admit, it was a good comeback, cause me tramp prepared it. Fuck!

My hands were sweaty and shaking. If I wouldn't know my diagnosis well, I could add diabetis to it. Sadly I had an etch about why they were doing that. I need my fucking coffee. Why I had to add I wouldn't do any other habits like smoking and alc as well to my therapists list. Fuck gettin healthy. Why are they the only way to cope with it? Damn sick brain, I hate you. Go fuck yourself... maybe there is an incensitive about that? I could just do that. I am in low mood and doesn't it give dopamin or some shit?

It is astounding I never really did it. Masturbation, sure. But I bet people wouldn't believe me if i tell them I am a freaking virgin. Social concept anyways if I would keep two cents about others opinions. No, I am not ashamed, it just never made click. Thought to be ace or something. Like borders have the reputation of being promiscious, ha! Bet Rachel would find that funny, but I die before I would mention that. Thanks to Max it made much more sense now. Not prude, but perverted. Indulge into the sickness! Hell yeah, what does my life matter now anymore. Time to rub it out.

But first I prepare a good set up. What I haven't given up was running. Dana maybe closeminded, but she saw bright there. Fitness not only kept you, well, fit; but it refreshed your mind. Some good occupation of le brain and no time to think any border garbage. And truly need as I let my diet slip. It feels diabolical easy to subsitute the addiction to any substance with the one for food. Addiction are a pest for BPDler. Just nice that Daddy limited my access to money as I was about to rush into the red numbers, my first try at getting a replacement. Sometimes I think I might be just the carricature in one of his papers about rich people problems. But that would be wrong. BPD is one of the most common disorder, only topped by schizophrenia and depression I think.

Switching into my training clothes, I had to recap everything over and over in my head. Something common to many people with issues, but who cares. It's my mind spinning. Draggin her down by multiplying all the chaos and problems in my mind, mixing it with some anxiety spice. Anxiety over if Rachel does feel that way. I hoped not, I didn't even wanna face such possibility. She is bi, but she never even liked me on a friendly base. There is no reason to assume that changed. She changed though...

Once a thought carrousel started, it's hard to flee from it. Normally you have to break it by distractin, making yourself busy or literally flee. In a sense running was like fleeing in steps, or for the moment. As soon as she breach out into the parks and stepped up her speed, she could unwind. The wind blowing into her hair and face, reminding it really was getting colder end of november. The snow melt already to non-existence, but only a question when it came back. So the shoes made crushing noises in the sandy ground instead. The world was flying by Victoria Chase for a moment. I could see the sun already going down. How I wished it would swallow me as well sometimes.

Once I was back – my mood was elivated. I felt somewhat freed temporarily to be in an active mindset. Time to do some homework while checking the social media. Which wasn't a good idea since I haven't checked it since... fuck since that week? Oh no, abort abort. But my brain was already addicted to see the posts and timelines. And now I wished I would have seen it before. They were tearing apart. Even more critical than offline. Of course, the wonder of the internet. It dampened my mood instantly. Did I took my pill today?... yes I did. Why does it bring me down so much than? Fuck you brain. And the worst: I could READ how people noticed shit going on with me. The wildest theories going around.

Some think I was an alien along, how sweet. I was a reptil in disguise. These were the more charming ones. Than there were all kinds of disorders people wanted to hang on me. I mean, better direction, but missing by far. Some I had to google even. And shit, how ableist could those fuckers be? Calling me a psycho, retard, autist and whatever. Don't they see that autist is not an insult! You dare me call out my bullshit, but expect me to ignore yours? How is it that only I am the bad guy? Disgusting. If they want to see what it's about they shall get it. I wrote some fiery post and tagged a wiki-link to BPD. Eat this!

…..wait.... wait Victoria. What did I just do? I just told the internet? Told the school? Oh fuck, my parents were on it too. Fuuuuuck. I told everyone. AM I STUPID?! Shit shit shit delete delete. No no no first comments incoming. Don't read them. Abort abort. I closed the laptop so hard it didn't sound healthy. Victoria, you shit... I should have never opened it. I feel like a little child, incapable of reacting appropiate. Thanks Borderline, thanks. I really needed that as well. If they don't smell the roast now, I don't know either. Ohhhh myyy god. My phone was ringing and someone clearly changed my ringtone. Are you kidding me? I declined, put it on loudless and throw it into my paper basket. 

Now don't freak out. You can salvage that later. You just need a new plan, it will be fine. Oh god oh god oh god. My parents. I am dead, I am so dead. I catched some clothes to change and swirled outside the door. Yes, there were other people gawking. Of course they were. Shall I tell them next I am a big fat lesbo? Can someone declare me dead by now? After shortly freezing I forced myself to run to the shower as it is the last option I have. Gladly no one was in here. That should give me some time to think.  
Brilliant. Just brilliant Victoria.

I closed myself into one of the shower cabin and put the heat on max. Normally I do a quick cold shower, like I should have done after my run. Which I usually do in the morning. Fuck, despite the pills my depression is taking me tough. Delaying stuff or just not doing is something normal in that state. I don't think I have to explain. In this fucked up world literal everyone has it, comorbidity number one. Especially for BPD. Just a bit different somehow. I don't know the exact details, but some other classic anti-depressiva haven't worked on me yet as I was put on testing. Made more like a robot. Which I kinda envied now. At least I wouldn't throw my life into chaos.

Water was hot enough, I didn't care if it would burn me. I started undressing, revealing my selfharm scares. Bruises and cuts, mostly old. Good thing they never wondered why I only wore long sleeves. I noticed something in my socks – of course I am still a very functioning dis... no, I don't like that word. Crazy doesn't mean you need help. I made sure I have it always on me. And so I took the butterfly out. Extra thin sharp one. Not for self-defense, even if totally prepped for that too. Ha, I made people really think I am a prepper.

No, it was for use on me only. First I used a plain shave blade, simple to use. But for hiding it just cut into me feet and contraire to belief, we just don't want cuts always everywhere. Most would say: Don't do that, it's unhealthy and dangerous. But there they are wrong. At least when you do it regulary or know what you are doing. We don't do it just for hurt, often just to feel something. Like the afterburn is a good reminder, the depth doesn't matter. Most are thin and pale after time. And cleaning and caring the wound is important. Not all therapists sadly like this way, but mine is specialized on us nutcases. She says, it can be benefitial and if you could stop it, you wouldn't do it. So if it is the last tool you have, use it, but with care, make sure nothing gets inflamed or cut too deep. Maybe I am lucky to had the money for her. What if that changes soon? I don't wanna think about it.

So I went into the shower, ignoring some noice and talk outside the bathroom. Now was me-time. I was too stupid, it's better I do it now, before I regret doing anything else in would comes once I am triggered. Triggered emotions and habits are always worse, not to speak of... flashbacks. Trauma is a sucker. My lifelong lover I didn't choose. So I cut the circuit and run over my arms. I have many places I do it, maybe just impulsitivity, or to no overreach it on one side. My arms were clean, so it was an easy choice. The water helped washing it away and cleaning it, as the heat made sure I wasn't shaking too much. Cause that is dangerous. Skill helped too, as morbid as that sounds.

Actually not much blood flows, mostly surficial cuts, which will soon build a healthy crust on them. I did both arms, it was acceptable for such weight. Only this time. Almost done. The familiar burning calmed me and made my mind void of all bad things and emotions for the moment. You could compare it to a reset button. Macabre I know, but not for me. As I wanted to finish it, I heard a familiar voice calling for me in the room. Shit. I shrecked so much, I slided the blade a bit deeper than I wanted and let it fall. The sound of that shortcut pain alarmed the person.

„Fuck, Tori, what happened...“, she let a gasp out, propably seeing some blood. Shit shit. This is a misunderstanding!

I opened the door with my more unharmed hand, seeing Ambers shocked face. Alarmed at the view. For fucks sake, it is always the same with non-cutters! 

„It is not as bad as it looks, I know what I am doing, Rachel. You just shrecked me. Didn't went into the muscle or anything. I am okay.“

Despite my fear, Amber seemed to get calmer. Or at least tried to calm herself. Unexpected. Fuck, did I had hope?

„Okay... I have to trust you there, don't I? Damn, would be even hypocritical when I did it myself. Not anymore, but hmm. Wait...“

And with that she really opened her trousers to show some scars. I blushed. Fuck... it's not. This is multiple levels of inappropiated. And propably very funny to someone like Maxine. Oooh fuck, she saw me naked, she... aaaargh. I covered instinctly my parts. Amber seem to take the clue and almost fell over her pants.

„S-sorry, I didn't mean to. Shit, that was fucked up. Just thought it's easier to show that I trust you or you can trust me... but it doesn't seem like a good idea now anymore... anyways.“

With that she picked up the towel and gave it to me. Than she proceeded to wait outside the door. I raised my eyebrows. She... was embarrassed to see my like that? But....? Fuck, I had to think about what Max said. No no. It's nothing like that. It is Rachel we are talking here about! She would never... I am not her type even, if she has one. Than she said that about tall women... aaarg why I am asking myself that? I am not interested in her! She is... but than I was... No, no time with this whole sexuality theme.

I dried and dressed myself. Time to face this music. Like what had she the nerve to jump in and why? Why no one else? Not think someone else saw her that way? They would have propably called an ambulance. Waste of money. Should I be glad it was her? Pah! Just another waste as well.

„So what you want Rachel? Think it gives you the right to run in on me naked? So desperate? Don't think I am somehow glad you were it and not someone like Juliet.“

Amber looked a bit hurt, but hid it again. Am I finally getting through to her? Is some blood all it needs? Maybe she is more vulnerable than I was able to believe. Come on, Vic, she is a suicide survivor, shouldn't you be a bit more tactful? Fuck being decent. How would bring it me anything now?

„I will just ignore what you said. I can tell you are border, thats how you call it right? And for a chance, I care now about you, wether you want it or not. Once I put myself on this path, I won't wither away. A promise is a promise. Hell, old me wouldn't believe it either, but radical changes need radical answers.“

„I see you are as poetic as you would like to be. Sad you weren't than when you thought you needed to poison my tea. Well done, by the way. Trust is not something you can just throw around and believe, people will come and say: yes, sure, why not.“

Another sensitive point. Amber winced truly this time. Yes, I haven't forgotten that you played me as well. If you wanna face your past, please, glad to help. Ridiclious.

„I haven't forgotten that either. And I apologise for it. You know I was even more naive than I was now. Teens do stupid things, but the way I did it was over the top. And whatever I say won't change the hurt I gave you than. I can only try to make a better impression on you now. You have to consider that at least, even if you are easy to believe into black and white thinking in this state. Right?“

Now I winced. I didn't want her to be right. Of all people she shouldn't be. Knowing myself was the only way to defend me against such games. I shouldn't have trusted her. Did I already? Was it a game? I must look confused.

„It is okay, really. I know you have no reason to trust me that fast. But maybe see it from my side – why should I trust you? And yet I do, partly cause I am willing to, but mostly due to what you told me. Maybe it wasn't much yet, but I listened – see? I try my best. And I did some research, especially talking to someone who has BPD too. She has less experience knowing about it, but on the other hand I know her for a long time to see the similarities. I didn't make any connections to such before and as she didn't know.... anyway know she does and I drew my conclusions. Maybe that's why I have already the tools to know how to go around you.  
I don't want you to forget any about me, just to see that people change and nothing is just black and white.“

I was indeed surprised. Someone like me? It made sense now. She was right, she already knew in some way how to cope with me. I have to admit that this is promising. I always have Max, who knows too. But its different between us. Not bad, but... Or did I just wanted someone else? Other Friends? I have to tell myself that I was overwhelmed with those options. Do I have even a right to decline that chance?

„I underrated you, Rachel. I should have known that you don't just KNOW suddenly what to do. But I... appreciate it. Just don't... use me. I really don't want fall into another trap. I can't just trust people for any promises, how stubborn you are. Max was different – it wasn't planned and... maybe it was cause I liked her. I think... okay, maybe.... oh crap, fine! I will try. I won't promise anything... yet. We see how it goes.  
Just... who do you were talking about? And no lies!“

Amber shrecked for a second. Don't look at me. I know how hard those habits die. Shit, how could you know I don't lie? But than when was the last time I did? It seems like it didn't matter anymore. I went soft. Max?

„She doesn't want me to tell you yet. But... she might tell you herself if she is ready. Maybe something good comes out of that. I hope it for you both.  
And I take your offer. Best I heard from you. I think you make progress. That's why I am here. I had the impression you didn't post that fully aware about the consequences. I needed to check on you before anyone else could bother you. I just... didn't expect that. But if I can do anything – just talk, call your therapist, anything.“

Shit. I managed to forget that... my eyes became saucers. I... 

„Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. They know. You know what that means. My end! They will rip me apart. Tear me to pieces. Laughstock of the season...“

„Tori, stop. It's not that simple. You are catastrophizing again.“

She came close, got on her toes and drag my head, so our foreheads touched.

„Look into my eyes. No one can hurt you. No one will just like that. Or they have to go through me. You survived other stuff. I don't know what yet, but I sense its worse than this. Just some people who know now you a vulnerable human just like them. So what? Let them, it will make them more sympathetic if anything. And they might start to understand too, that the world is spectrum of grey, no one is just evil. You are not a bad person. It is something good. You don't need to hide anymore. You can be vulnerable. You can be you.“

Her eyes had an intense yet soft look to it. Like she was gazing into my soul and it was stirring something up. Something I forbid myself to long. And gosh, she was right. How could she just say the right things? I would never tell her, but in this moment I trusted her. How could I not in those hazel brown eyes, full of hurt and understanding. Did I miss all these years how similar we were? But I would never admit that. Even when she was out of words and I saw clearer, I couldn't say anything. I was lost in her eyes. I...

She let go of me and I had to surpress a sigh. She went back on her soles and studied me to see if I seemed better. I mean, in a way I was. For the moment I was less afraid of what was waiting outside for me and more what was inside here with me, and in my heart. I shaked slightly, but she didn't seem to notice. I had to say something or it would escalate.

„I..ahmmem... I am better, thank you. I have to admit, this friend of yours teached you quite well. As... you know what you had to say. That was... helpful.“

Fuck, I still couldn't bring myself to say nicer things, to be more open. And a part of me felt like she deserved it now. How often will she save me again. Saving? No, rather... holding? The skin on my head where hands were tingled. I won't admit that, no matter how brave or talented she was. Fricking perfect Rachel Amber to hell. Your charm won't work on me. I am not a tool. Fuck, calm Vic, no reason to blow it up.

„I am thankful you see it that way. If I it is enough to be just there and say some right words, I think I can live with that. I never hated you, but I was propably vary of you at first and... okay, you made me insecure. No one stood up to my game before. I know, now it sounds like childs play. Or maybe you made me just aware of my failures. This might be still true and I can't look into you, but maybe you see it the same. Let's not dig into hurt we did to each other, just because we could. Let's build some brigdes, cause... well we can. Okay?“

Her sensitivity impressed me. I can't deny anymore that she changed. Or was it rather that she removed all those covers and shields, the false pretense and games? Can you be reborn? I wish I could do that and yet I gave myself the opportunity to be more myself. But not fully.... should I? But it was nothing I could ask her or Max. Rather I die in hell.

„It feels wrong to say you are right, but I give you that. Maybe we were stupid kids than, although I still feel pretty stupid now. I can't say I can just drop my doubts and behave like nothing happened. But you said yourself: We don't have to. Fuck, when did you became so wise, Rachel? Do you hide some years of meditation somewhere? Yeah, chuckle bitch. We are not yet even. The time I laugh with you, you should rather run.  
We talk later, I have to do something important.“

It was sudden, but I had an idea how to solve that other problem. And I was fucking glad, Max brought me to it, not her.

„Oh... okay, of course. Didn't mean to interrupt... your day? Is it about BPD? Say if you need help talking to people.“

„Ha, good one. We are not on that base yet that I would just feel calm taking you along. People would go crazy seeing arch enemies bonding. Not that you care, but I do. No, besides your natural gifts you couldn't see I have with other problems. So if you would let me?“

„Bonding? I like how that sounds. More kinky than I would put it, but it has a nice ring to it. Go, your majesty. I won't interfere in your sacred interventions.“

Did she... just made a sincere joke? Hell must be truly freezing over. And yet she couldn't surpress another typical slap. I faced the door, so she couldn't see me blush. I just mumbled 'whatever' and went out. Wow, Vic, very smooth. Why not hang a sign around you neck 'might wanna bang you'. Fuck, what did I think? I rather scalp myself than... no, I won't entertain that idea. I had to get rid of this... distraction. And I just know who I would try to talk. And propably burn my hands on it. That will be fun.

I put down my things quickly in my room, just to get out again. Fuck make up. They expect me to be vulnerable or easy to damage, shall they believe it. I can still bite and I will. And who knows what works are right now. Not that she avoided gossip, she just had no access to it anymore without any people and out of the vortex club. Back then they would have really tore me apart, I believe. As I went out, it was far more quiet, I only saw Juliet talking to Dana. Perfect. As it wasn't easy enought to hold my head low enough to talk to her.

„Well, well. When we don't have the fallen queen here. Seems like you finally snapped. Always knew you weren't normal. But nice to have some proof. Finally enough, and you had to show your ugly face? Welcome to reality, bitchtoria. Don't think anyone will care or believe that 'oh it wasn't my fault, my brain made me do it'. Nice try though, pathetic as usual. Seek some stink elsewhere Mcbeth.“

Before I could even reply to this expected slander from Juliet, Dana unexpectly interjected. I raised my eyebrows.

„Juliet, you really think it is smart to hang out your 'i am better than anyone else'. Doesn't seem much different from what Victoria did, don't you think? Let her go, just cause you hate her doesn't mean you should treat her like she is the devil. Don't think I don't know what you did for your journalistic endavour.“

Juliet looked she was ready to spit poison.

„And you better remember what she did. Even crazy people need to take responsibility. Don't get me with this 'innocent until proven otherwise' bull. Thought you were better than that. We talk later about that.“

Than she stormed away and let the door close with a bang. I mean I hated and hate people, but I did it always with style. At least until recently. Calling that irony if you want.

„Sorry for that. I don't know what got into her lately. I think it is not just your fault she is so irratable. But sadly she doesn't tell me much anymore. Seems, nothing is the same anymore. And not all for the good sadly.“

She looked like in deep thought. Did she keep her new role as leader of the chunk serious? I never thought her that interested, but she seemed better qualified than I ever was, I have to admit.

„More than true. You are not the only wondering if some people got just replaced. It's almost like body snatchers or something.“

Dana smiled to that, indeed. Am I in the wrong movie? Certainly didn't expect any kindness. Was Max right?

„Yeah, something like that. Or that nightmare week just chook us all up, some that way, some the other. You wanted to talk to me it seems?“

„Yes, about something totally different. But I have to ask – why this kindness? Why did you just pushed Juliet away like that? She has some good points and all rights to hate me, as you have you.“

Dana seemed... disspointed? Oh... okay?

„You still doesn't get me, right? It wasn't because of you, but out of prinicipe. I like to think there are no bad people, but only bad actions. It is than to see if they were intentional or they just didn't what they did or not. And yeah, before you think I was okay with what you did – I was not. It still hurts to see Kate hurting. But I also think, it is not just black and white, which Juliet seem to. As I read your post, the hurt in it was literal touchable. It reminded me of my little brother, who bullied some other kid, cause it made fun of our mom's sex work. Nothing is so easy to be put on one side of justice.“

I must look surprised. She never... wait, you were never friends, why should she have told you that? You were really just obsessed with not being hurt that you missed out of everything else that shouldn't? Including the hurt of other people. Was it that simple... being not simple?

„Yeah, don't blame you. I see now that you were to troubled to even think about other peoples problems. I don't say its bad, just... sad. I think we would have come around better than you think. But than you were you. And on the other hand no one thought it was possible to reach out to you. What changed?“

„I think you know what. I got too desperated and than too helpless. And than... I did something I shouldn't. I don't know anymore what is right or wrong. I just knew what was fake about myself. I had to stop that. And... I thought hate is all I need, I deserved it after all.“

„Yeah, I saw that. You behaved like a gluten for punishment. I mean... some people thought it is right from you, you need to be held accountable. But some are just too hurt to see that no one deserves that. There are better ways to solve that. Like my brother and that other boy talked it out in the end. When the time is rife, you should talk to Kate.“

„So I am like your brother essentially? Talk and maybe... it will work out?“, Dana grinned.

„If you say it like that... but yes, I believe miscommunication doesn't help anyone. Was a damn chaos to unroll all the vortex member problems. But in the worth the while. See us now: Finally what it should have been all along.“

„You say it as I run it down? Truth be told, I did. I am sorry for being not my own foe, but all of yours too.“

That brought even Dana to raise a brow.

„That's some big words. I have to admit, not even I expected such open apology. You starting to change really, I like this new Victoria. And for my part – let's try it from anew. We have no personal blood shed, so build some bridges. What did you wanted to ask me?“

I looked around for a short moment. It was no one earsdropping, but I didn't trust that floor on this topic. I gave her to know that in her room would be best. We went into Danas and she closed the door without questioning. She was someone to know the value of secrecy with being Juliets friend (?) and the thing with the pregnancy.

„So what can I specific help you that Max or Rachel can't?“, despite being polite, having a shit eating grin on her face.

„Of course you would know about that....“

„I am the vortex leader after all. We are better and more justfull now, but gossip never dies to be a tool. But let me be honest: I just make sure it doesn't get into the wrong ears. And you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have trusted me.“

The only thing I feared about Dana once, was that she was cleverer than she let on. She is not just all athletics. Just good, she had a pure soul.

„Because it's something I can't talk to them about. Max would make me wish to die telling her and Rachel – I don't know what the current gossip is, but... okay I guess I have to be honest. She changed somehow to a more caring personality and even more strange, wants to help me. We have some sort of pact. She was indeed a good help with my border so far and... it hurts to admit, restored my friendship with Maxine. I guess, I don't have to explain that?“

„No, indeed not. Max is also a friend of mine. She never outright told me, but it was obvious to me that you cut the rival bull and somehow got along. For Rachel – I just have the same impression, but she doesn't talk much to me and barely in the vortex. At least losing Chloe to Super-Max made her rethink things maybe? She seems more careful with what she says.  
Now that you seem to be willing to be open – what you think about that couple? Makes you feel anything?“

I wasn't sure what she was hinting at, but Dana was way better understanding people's emotions than I was. I was glad she never played the game. What I am stalling? It's why I am here after all, I can't stop now or she gets suspicious when she wasn't before. Why could Max not just have shut her mouth for once instead of being nosy like usual?

„It is kinda about that. I.... fuck, I can't say anything. Tell me – tell me first what you know or think to know? About me and Max I mean.“

Dana nodded, not smiling, but seeming to choose her words carefully.

„It was obvious to me, when she was talking about you, that it was more than friendship to her. She didn't admit, to me at least. But I know how that is, hiding gazes, pretending to not feel what you want. Okay, I never had a problem with my sexuality, but sometimes you can't tell the other person, out of fear of destroying something else.  
I see her happy with Chloe, so I assume it is no matter anymore. If you ask me if I wondered I you felt the same – hard to say. You kept your persona up well. But the way you two bonded, it was possible. So it is about that? You... oh, of course, I see why you came to me. It is because I am bisexual, right?“

Okay, time to lay the cards open now. You can do that.

„Indirectly. As I rekindled with Max, I only realized than what... I rekindled. I don't feel anything for her, but I think... I think, no, I know I did. Fuck. I don't wanna say it out loud. It was embarrassing enough the first time. I don't wanna.... I can't, dammit. Hehhhhh  
Okay, I might liked her, but not anymore. Point. Don't tell me what I feel – just, there is another person I think my brain sees that way. And I want it to end.“

With that I looked seriously at her, but inside my heart wanted to escape, so much it was beating. My hands were sweaty.

„Oh Vic... you think that is the solution? That you can prey it away or something? That you can ignore it? No, it will just come back biting at you, not the good way. Being gay or bi doesn't mean you are less or wrong. See what you achieved – telling people your condition and getting help and progress. Don't you think it can't be the same with that?“

„That is different, my parents know. I can cope with it. I can't change it. This i can, have to somehow. Or my life is over. They will stop my money, they will abandon me. My career! What I am supposed to do without it? It is not worth wasting it for some.... some girl.“

I had to swollow for just using that line. It is impossible.

„Impossible could been what you just did. You didn't do it on purpose I bet and were your expectations fulfilled? Let me tell you something.  
As I realized I was bi, I didn't hop up and down for excitement. I wasn't depressed and my parents accepted me later. But the point is – I didn't expect that at first. I saw this brilliant adorable gorgeous girl and I denied myself to even think about her, because I thought it was right and easier to go the normal way, dating one soulless boy after the other.  
Until I understood that you can't control other people, you can't assume what you don't know. So I asked her out. And she said yes!  
It didn't hold forever, but those 2 years were worth it. I never regretted doing it. So go, Vic, ask out this girl. You only will regret if you never did.“

She was softly smiling, but for me it felt like my stomach had several knots. Dana couldn't be so serious it could be so simple. It isn't how the world works. These rules don't apply to me. I can't have what other people have. It is not possible. Why is everyone trying to tell me it is? They don't know me. I am the queen bitch. I deserve the hate and not love. And I am not gay. Max was just a confusion. But before I could adapt to that descision, Dana dropped the bomb.

„It is Rachel, isn't it?“, still looking calm at her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

I wanted to shake my head, but I couldn't move. I just froze. I didn't want that thought. That idea that made everything a new hell to me. But it still tried it best to squeeze in between the defence.  
How she comforted me and was suddenly always there in the right moment – coincidences.  
How she knew what to say and how to do exactly what I needed – just her typical game, nothing else.  
How she understood me and really seemed to care – it is a trick, you don't know her motif.  
How she touched me, her warm hands and made me feel safe – I was vulnerable, anybody would have done.  
How... she looked at me. Her eyes. Her yes. Her eyes. Fuck, they haunt me. Make me feel warm inside, make my heart hurt and stomach turn.

Dana looked at me, some sense of understanding and mercy in her eyes.  
„I know, Vic, I know. It is never easy the first time. But trust your heart for once, it is worth it.“

And I started to cry in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, captain obvious strikes again. we gettin the gay there, but not without problems. hope you liked my version of Dana.  
next chapter another person, who hasnt shown up yet, has advice for Vic. :)


	5. Chloe OR the Gay must go on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic attends a group meeting that disappoints, but suddenly get unexpected help by no other than Chloe Price

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may notice, i edited the titles of the other chapters. a bit more fun on it

Three Weeks went like nothing. People tried their best to settle down from the panic. You would think they would have done, two whole months after it already. But that is not how people work. And it seemed so especially for the students of Blackwell harder to go back to normal if you could call it that. As well how many people did a 180 in that time. Than there was Christmas coming and maybe the usual calmness around that time took root. Blackwell became, well, the Blackwell again, if changed.

For me those three weeks meant more than to many other students. The first week was the worst. Having to deal with curious gazes towards her. As I was some kind of failed experiment to gawk at. Or they all turn full on Caulfield. Was she infectious? I rather would believe it, if it wasn't for my stunt. I was officially stamped as an outsider. Me, Victoria Chase, an outsider! Which didn't my new contacts were for nothing, but the balance of the universe changed forever. I had to count on real friends now, as weird as it sounds. I would never admit it, but it actually felt awesome.

Not like I just jumped every morning out of bed full of joy, but it made some hard days easier. Max was full on my side. She forced me to call her a friend, and I mean 'forced' meaning I could never say no. This hero fucking deserved it and with my current social status, who would care? Well my parents did. But glady not as extreme as thought. Not that Dana was totally right, as it felt more like I was so close to being thrown out of the family. It was surprising they could hold the news down about my BPD so well, no media outlet even mentioned it. Not that they cared much about their daugther – yet – but such detail could bring more wind up than you want. Only upside for me was that Juliet had conceive against the power of money.

I wouldn't call Dana a friend, yes I have trouble doing that, but we were on a good basis. Through her I learnt more about was goin on in the school since my fall. Vortex Club was goin better and indeed represented something worthy, many 'losers' attended and made it a nice thing. And I showed my gratitude, even when Dana meant once, I could have it done too, if in the mood I am now. Which meant...? I was more used to my symptoms again, but hell it will never end to wish I was normal. Worse, after people started ignoring me – really, ignoring me like some indifferent person, no one to hate or blame, I blended in somehow. It was a weird feeling, but Dana meant it was something good. But HOW do you cope with being not the star in the middle, everyone turning to see what you are doing?

Now only did sometimes when I 'flipped' how some bitches named it. Meaning being border. Yes. Day to day I realized they just don't give a fuck anymore. I could... behave like I wanted. Or rather don't give a fuck myself. I worried those months about my status and now this school, I thought I formed, was all progressive? Fuuuucking boring. Wasn't it enough that my therapist sessions got doubled? As if that would change me faster. Of course I wanted to repair my dumb psyche, but you can't force that shit. It takes friggin years. And with my parents there – the iniative wasn't there really. But hell what I call them out on than. 'hey, btw, you are responsible in the first place for fucking me up'. Will come cool on christmas dinner, if they would attend...

And as I wasn't wasting my time enough, they formed a literal group session themselves here. Mostly put up and formed by students, but well – chaotic. There was no plan or goal, just meeting up with other cra... disabled and struggling people. Like how is that supposed to bring me anything? Ah yeah, Rachel suggested it. And I took it to have some air from her. We seem to have every other day in the week like she is some lost puppy. Okay, we were mostly sitting in our payamas and watched anime, as she was terrible under-educated in that topic. Unacceptable to me. No friend of mine goes without. So... it haunts me now. Now we watch with Max and Dana on the weekends. Another group. Aaaaargh why did I say I wanted friends? They suck hard. Fucking trash. To stupid to fill their time alone.

Okay. Let me check who was here. Alyssa, she has an eating disorder, suspecting as much. Exchanged only some lines before, but Max was right, she hates Hate. So I was on...neutral ground there? I rather would not touch on that though. Too early, or too late, depending how you see it.  
Warren. Fidgeting around like usual. If I remember right, it was his AHDD. Explains a lot and seriously still uninteresting to me. He greeted me always though nowadays. Max' handy work?  
Than we got two autistic girls who actually pretty cute... I mean aeh talented? Kate would like them. Shit, 'nother shitty wound.  
Courtney was said to show up once due to her anorexia, but not today.  
Some guy Luke who had Palsy. He was me the most sypmpathetic as he liked to observe nature rather than talking despite his circumstances.  
And schizophrenic Lila. She was on strong pills, so she was funny enough the least outstanding. She was rather lethargic. Maybe the pills too, I could understand that. Almost made me crave my mix again, but Max forbid me. Fuck friends who actually cared. Even more a pain in the ass than enemies.

So all in all interesting to see, but nothing in my class of craziness, I mean disability. Still hating that word, but my therapist meant it can bring acceptance. Still get gawky eyes though, but less insults, besides the typical 'freak' from the jocks. Once they wanted to lick every corner of my body and now they wouldn't dare look at Icky Vicky. Old Rachel would like that.

So yeah not giving a fuck – going fury and border without any excuses to the toilet or making excuses to people. Not that it would come around a lot, but if, I wanted it to crush. Teachers love it, but they wouldn't do anything against if they didn't want my parents lawyers. Yes, I could use that to my advantage, and thought sometimes about it. But yeah, friends and conscience and whatever.

I got bored, which often lead to a mood swing. I snapped my wristband and thought if I should just go already. Damn it was under fifteen minutes. One more and I wouldn't have to pay Rachel. Fucking bitch knows me better than myself by now. If she only knew the really dark shit, she wouldn't stay.

Fuck, impulsivity wins again. I gotta go, get some hot coco, I saw a machine outside. I propably gained some pounds, whatever. I will run it down again... some day. 

As I wanted to just leave, a new entry came in. Not anyone. Fricking Chloe I stole your girlfriend Price. Aeh what brain? SHUT UP!  
Price looked surprised and confused at her. 

„Didn't know screaming was the new greeting or exclusive here?“, she pointed towards me. Oh.. fuck, it wasn't just in my mind. I blushed bright red.

„Yeah, haven't you heard yet, this final station crazetown.“, I showed her the middle finger.

„Guess, I fit just right in than, 'Tori'. Too cute she lets you call that.“

„What I do with your girlfriend means a shit to you. Be glad she wants your ugly ass or you would be lost in a ditch.“

Price chuckled. The nerve. Way to go to ruin a day. She was able to NOT bother me all the weeks, despite being Max' secone wheel. Why now?

„You were once creative in insults maybe, but I see that flame went by long a go. Admit it Chase, she made you soft. Max has that effect on people, she fuckin mellowed me out. Anyways, I didn't even mean her.“

I looked at her confused. Than it dawned on me. Bitch!

„And I told her to not call me that. We are not even friends.“

„Sure, says the one becoming all kitten eyes when she calls you that I bet. I don't get why you two haven't banged yet. I thought it will be hard becoming friends with her again, but even more annyoing when the only thing she is talking about is you. Ouch.“

My heart skipped a beat. She is bullshitting. That's it. Yes, that's it.

„Believe in your cloud head what you want, I don't fall for that crap. If you would excuse me, crazy town is going getting her fucking hot coco instead of talking to more drop outs. You are not from this school anyways, so maybe the wrong place? Max is not here.“

And as I was about to go through the door frame, a hand on my shoulder hold me back. The audacity! I got rid of it and turned around furious.

„How dare you Price!“

„I had to. Didn't wanna just miss the person I am supposed to talk to.“

I didn't see my own face, but it must have shown a mix of shocked, confused, angry and disgusted.

„You?! You of all people want to talk to me? I don't know about you, but I H-A-T-E your guts. So who sent you?“

„No one. Not directly at least. But it was me who decided now would be as good as any time to start this... business.“

Still very irritated, I was thinking again about going. 

„Yeah, I would also rather someone else to talk. But seems only we have that thing in common. So naturally we should at least talk about it.“

„Thing? Could you be any more unclear, Kiri? I have no time for...“

„As if your time table is very full without Vortex and other posh stuff. You can bring this better-than-you attitude anymore. I don't need Max to see through that. So how about some walk and your favourite topic: BPD.“

Slowly she was getting on my nerve. I looked around, no one seemed to care. Fuck this group, I am out anyways. Getting my coco at least.

„And why would I exactly wanna do that? Its not like you...“

„Having Borderline myself? Just got the diagnosis a month ago.“, planting a shit eating grin on her face. My face was slipping, making me speechless.

„You heard right, we are both the same way of crazy, if that isn't ironic.“

I tried my best to retain myself. It couldn't be. Of all people. Why does it have to be my enemies turning into something... else now? It didn't mean anything. I didn't have to like her, just because she was like me. There are others... but none in this school, not even other PDs. But with this options I maybe rather wanted to be alone... Oh fuck, Rachel meant Chloe with being border too? She knew it all along. It made sense now. Fuckin bitch!

„I would prefer tragic, as I would rather die on the spot as have something in common with the punk my friend was useless to fell for.“

„Hey, give her more credit, she is irresistable. You should know that best for having it once for her too.“  
I spit the drink I got myself in that time. She wasn't... 

„She told you?! I... I... it wasn't like that. I... fuck... I.... only, she had...“

I opened and closed and opened my mouth. This... wasn't supposed to happen! I looked around, but no one glady close enough around to listen to any of that.

„Calm down, Chase. I just guessed. Max didn't betray you. We talked once about her old crush, no names, and what she thought, so I joked about giving her a kiss. Pretty impulsive, I know. But I didn't mind on the other hand, cause I knew she isn't a type for cheating.  
But guess I bet right on you being a dyke. Kinda obvious now I think about, the hair and all.“

She tricked me! If my cheeks could get any redder, they would now.

„I hate you Kiri. I fuckin hate you. If you tell anyone, I...“

„Calm your tits, Vic. It was joke. And I wouldn't out anyone to anyone. That's not my deal. I am not Rach... I mean old Amber. Fuck, didn't mean that. She deserves a change. And hey so do we!  
Just... one question would interest me, sister.“

Unbelievable. I rolled with my eyes, but I just hadn't the same effect on her anymore. We were on equal levels of bullshit. Arrrrrgh. I hate my life. I am talking to the drop out. I am trash. My last bit of attitude gave out into smoke. Good bye old Vitcoria, welcome pity hole.

„Spit out. Don't expect me to trust you suddenly.“

„As you were Max crush... did she actually kiss you? My money is on that she finally has the balls to stand over it.“, laughing at her own joke.

„No... she offered though and typical Max, explained it.“, and I could have let it stand there. But... somehow I didn't wanna lie there.  
„And... and than I kissed her.“

Now it was for Price to gawk. Shit I had to laugh. She looked confused.  
„Your face is... price-less!“, fuck I was very low for laughing at that. Mood swing, perfect timed like always. Price had to join in shortly.

„Damn, Vic, I have to give it to you. You make as much sense as I do. We should have done this much earlier. And shiiit, I didn't plan this response in, would give You the money if you weren't ass rich already.  
Fascinating to see a Chase in such a mood. Fancy a drive to talk? No one needs to see that shit eating grin, they would get nightmares!“

Of all the things that could have happened today, this was the least possible outcome in my mind. But here I was laughing my lungs out, people starting to watch. I didn't care if just help or Price had some bull in mind. This was more than embarrassing. I don't laugh at crap like this, or at all. Screw Price and hha aha ha her sur-price. Fuck, I am doomed.

„O—okay. haaa ha. I hate you and your price-less face. It needs re-price.“

„Okay, Vic, now I am getting scared. Let's go.“

Gladly such mania was rather rare for a mood swing, but here we are. Me, rushing behind a smiling Price, that made going through the same joke over and over. Holding my hand up, to dampen the sound. My lungs hurt, how can anybody thing laughing is nice? We reached the scandal of a truck and closed the doors. 

„What is this car? You couldn't get anything more under-priced? Hhaa shit haaha. Are we taking off in your enter-price. Haaaa“

I hold my belly, everything was hurting. Price just sitting there and waiting till my flash ended. Looking amused and calm. Scary how she changed so much. Whatever she takes, I want it too.  
It was only some minutes till the worst went down and I settled in a pretty relieved and breathless calm mood. Wow, better than any drug actually, if not for the embarrassment and the hurt. Slowly I got at least back to be able to talk normal. Blushing, I look expectively at Price.

„Okay, that was enough wordplays with my name for now. Certainly won't get this picture out of my mind for some time. Back then they would either think you had possession or an excorcism.“  
„Propably both at the same time. Please tell me you had that before too.“

„Sure, Max is still holding it up to me. For me it was Puns on Max. Guess what got me.“

Sitting in this shit car with the last person you wanted to see – and talking trivia. Old Vic would say shoot me now. But right now in this mood it felt... free. It was too absurd as to care. Please let this mood stay. Once no hate or anger.

„Maximum Victory? Oh shit, could have been our ship name!“, I snickered softly. Almost like a normal human for once.

„Good one, might have come up. But no – reaching CliMax.“

I blushed, but had to weeze. Brilliant.

„That came from her? She gets more and more radical each week. What did you do to her? Teaching her all those curses and whatelse.“

„You ask me? I thought she had it from you! Ha, she has the wrong people to learn from and still I am proud of her.“

„Yeah, me too. Fuck, she changed me more than I would like to admit.“

„I can see that. Same. I think it was what you needed. And I needed her. I missed her a lot before and didn't even knew in which amount.“

Now I had to be curious myself how she could cope with all that, talking so lightly suddenly and seemed phased at all.  
„And still you seem so together and smiling. Wish I could chill my border so much. What's your secret, Price.“

„Please, call me Chloe, have enough of my last name for a while. Funny you say that, but I should know. I always smile a lot out of nervousity. Sometimes even annoying myself, but I can't seem to stop it always. So I blame it on the weed often. But none taken today. Wanted to be fair about everything today. We are a weird bunch, Chase, aren't we?“

„To them we are or worse, depending on who you ask. And cut the chase, why not first name basis with all my ex-nemesis. I won't question anything in my life anymore I guess.“

„Like who you have the hots for? I could press on you that there seem to be no one your side, ma queen. Thought, you would cash in after losing the throne.“

„Don't overstep the line I have fairly drawn. Who knows, if I would even listen to you without Max on your side. As I am hot as cold, I doubt anyone would try this suicidal mission. I am a better survivor alone. Being in a relationship as border is as toxic as it gets.“

Chloe looked indeed hurt. But some truths are mine, I thought.

„Yeah, if you are in black and white mode, Vic. We are not always. There is a light when you are with the right one. It doesn't undo your shit, but it makes it easier. They just need to know how to cope with us. Max does. Even Rachel did. I am glad to have her.“

„Ah and than if both did it, than why change the model?“

I rather looked out of the window as this was getting saucy. Classic Vic, right to the wound point, no disinfection, just the scapel please.

„It was complicated. You know... okay maybe you didn't know Rachel back then, like I did. But you can imagine she wasn't an easy person. If she would have been the person she is now, maybe... I can't even begin to scratch on the surface of what let from one to the other to the end.  
It wasn't the drugs or Frank, I could have gone over that, forgave already. But than it only started to get worse. I wish I could have looked into her head and understand WHY she did what she did. Even than I knew it was not just cheating, being bored, not having enough or whatever crap people justify it with. Something in her was off. She seemed lost and I was unable to fix it. I don't think I wasn't enough in the sheets or in daylight, no I was not enough for the hole in her heart.  
And I had my own, which she very hard tried to fix, ignoring her own and I think both together led her to just get lost. Lost in other people, trying to find something she can't name. I could have been mad at her when she just left without a word. Maybe should been. But I just hadn't in my heart, even despite the border. Instead something broke. And only when I realized HOW much I was garbage, I found Max again or rather she found me. Magical girl and hero Max, not for the world, but my very own.  
Yes, she didn't fix me up either, but she was able to set me on a better path. Of healing. Of looking forward instead into my past. She pushed a reset button I didn't know I have. And thanks to you she just could tell me what was wrong with me, it has a name and treatment. Do you know how much value that has? Of course you know, but remember – for me this info is just mere weeks old. She gave me a reason to live again.  
Rachel was a good girlfriend after all, but we just met in the wrong place at the wrong time to make it work. In another world we made maybe, who knows. Point is: sure, I am sometimes still sad it didn't work out, but on the same line kinda totally happy it didn't or I would never went with Max. And I think, at least in this universe, it was supposed to happen. I have a gut feel, totally.“

Than she leant back and closed her eyes, sighing. Damn, Chloe, damn.

„You sure, you didn't take sooome pot?“

Chloe only smiled broader. Ha, liar. Always a pothead, I knew it. Maybe I should ask for some? Would even work on my kind of anxiety? I had to ask her. But she was talking again.

„And you know what, Vic? In the end I have to thank you too, maybe even more. Because of you Max know about border, because of you she was brave enough to ask me out, because of you she was secure about her gayness to have no doubts. So it all comes together. What I wanted to tell you: I kinda wanna repay that favour. And I know just how.“

And with that she took out a majestic bong and offered me. For fucks sake, why did you wait? Could she read my thoughts? I took it willingly.

„So how was that about no doing weed today and the smiling?“

„Hey, I said the truth... kinda. When i got nervous, the gras helps. So, not wrong. Try it. Will help us talk at least. But don't tell my past self, she would freak out seeing us now, hee. Now, don't distract from what I am trying to say, Vic.“

This punk has nerves. I looked around on the street were we parking now. No one there. Good, time for old times sake. I inhaled. Damn, what kind of spice she dropped as well? Weird bitch. Not bad stuff. At least my headache got better.

„Than speak o-wise Chloe Price, before I decide otherwise, steal your bong and piss off. Seriously, I can't imagine how you even think you could help me. It's nothing illegal, right? I promise, if...“

„Chill, Maribeth. Yes, Max told me. Yes, you will kill us all. Now listen, seriously. It is pretty easy or... not, depending how you tick. I wasn't just talking about romance and finding the right person for nothing.“

„What, are you proposing to me? I feel honored, but...“

„Ha-ha. No excuse for that without laugh flash. I found mine in Max. And I haven't forgotten you were kinda gay for her. I assume you have trouble accepting that still, I can read it in your face. You really got weak there. And my little spies, or rather myself, tell me who you fancy really right now. It makes sense and after first disbelieve, I think you are a perfect match. Fuuh. So that was the easy part.“

Not again. Just because I felt like hugging with one girl doesn't mean... Who am I kidding by now actually? She is right about me not... that I rather don't deal with it. Fucking foes being right. Release me from this sarcasm. I endured enough of being forced to... to what actually? 

„You won't play matchmaker, punk. Just because... we... fuck, you want me to admit it, you sick fuck? Fine! Girls are hot. I like their legs. Their boobs, their asses. Whatever. I wanna do things to them that my mind can't imagine. I love everything about them and too scared, to come out. I am fucking gay, okay! Fucking dumb lesbian bimbo chick. Sue me!“

And yep, right after that I wish the ground could swallow. My face felt like a thousand suns. I sank into the seat, looking at my nails like the most interesting thing I ever fucking saw. I couldn't move. Victoria Chase, embarrassment to the world, her family and herself appearant.  
„I mean... wow. You could put it that way.... So we have that checked off?“  
Chloe seeming as ashamed for a tiny moment. This woman has decency? Hell, thanks. But she found herself sooner than me and looked calm at me.

„Sorry. Listen: I could tell you so often how it is nothing bad or other crap you have heard that too often. Instead I will just say; You are missing out. Not on what you think I mean, although that too. I mean, yes I admit, the other side of the coin: being with someone who is everything to you. Who cares, holds you safe, is always there and would do anything for you. I can't even try to describe what a feel it is not be alone in this shit world. And to put gender in that way as a barrier just because of fear is just not fair.  
You think that is the reason why you are afraid – but what I think, is that you are afraid to commit, because you never did and too afraid to try for the possibility to be abandoned. Hey, I know that too well, same shoes. And still I risked it. I got that outcome the first time, but would I do it again if I knew? Hell yeah! Your brain constantly tells you not to do it and it will happen anyways, so you push people away instead, that it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy. And what, I don't have to tell you that, border 101.  
The point is – you are not alone in this. The other can beat your brain with you. Do you want her to be on your side or just try the easy way out and follow your brain? It behaves for a reason so, cause we were abused. We got traumatized, felt abandoned, learned mistrust and to downplay love. But to heal means to re-learn those things all over again too. Or the first time to begin with. We won't stay this way. And yes I am afraid every day, but I know I am not alone fighting it. That I can trust her to know who I am really am – not a bad person. Especially when I will forget it again.“

I am opened my mouth and closed it again. People making me speechless seem to become common place. And I fear I deserve it. Wouldn't have never guessed a drop out could shake me so. And I had to believe her, she was border. Not even had to proof it, I believed it the first time she said it actually. I made to much god damn sense. Why did I miss that someone like me was right in front of me? I mean, I could have helped her, too! But... I guess I did anyways somehow. And would past me really talk her? No. And suddenly I was massively ashamed of that. I sorted people by appearance, I was not better than my critics.

And I had to face some truth, she understood me too well. I hated it, like always. But I felt, I couldn't argue against Chloe. She was in the same boat. Fuck, Vic, maybe you have to listen to her. Rachel was right about that. And maybe... maybe I can be still there for her too. Yes, another thing I will drop. No pretense about style. People are people.

„That hit home close. You aren't one to hold back on the dirty details. I admire your bravery, Chloe. But you are right, I am a coward. And it is too easy to put any sort of justification in the way instead. You literal saw me do it all the time. I was a bitch and I choose to be worse than that. Not because I wanted to or even needed to be, but because it was easier, as fucked up as it sounds. Making people fear me made me less thinking what I fear. And when they started hating me it was even better. I could just suck it in, believe I deserve it. People needed a scapegoat and I needed the pain. Did I just give up?“

This time it was to Chloe to look somewhat surprised. At least that I got out of her. Just shows how succesful I was with the whole sharade. I was a perfect actress in a way. Playing my life that is. Who I am really?

„Than it propably doesn't surprise you that I bought into as well. I should have known better. I saw it, if different, in Rachel. I can't tell you how much I hate people playing this game. Like it's everything. Your image, your role in society. As it is only worth what others think of yourself. I never gave in into that. At one point I realized that you can just stop participating in the bullshit. They will cry at you, think you are a lost cause,when in actuallity you are free. And I don't mean free of responsiblity like they tell you about me. I am sure you were easy to believe it too. But it means to be free to be you. To be honest and work against everything that is toxic, inside you and out there in the world.  
Punk is not just a lifestyle, but an idea, an ideal, even if enough of us some to forget that, or even miss the point. It is not about giving no fucks, but giving exactly those that matters, nothing else. Fuck the goverment and surpression. Fuck the elite and PR. Fuck all the fake that keeps you from living a worthy life, be there for your friends, your community, the world. And as exchange be seen as a someone worthy to be embraced.  
Do you really fought I just dropped out for the lols? Because I had no plan in life? Because I didn't care? The opposite is true. I cared too much about myself to let me minced in that meatmachine this system is. I had no perspective. Sure, I could finish school, listen to my abusive step-douche, live a life in the slavery of comfort. For what? For what price?  
So I took my life in my own hands. And the community paid it back, supported my truth and I gave it back to them. It made me stronger and see where I have to put the importance. In quality not quantity. In love and risks, not emptyness and comfort. You might not even know that I am learning to become a tattoo artist. I am not worthless and neither are you. Never too late to see that. You just needed someone to remind you and I hope I can be that one for you.“

Right into my stomach, my heart. For such low-life she gave pretty heavy life advice punches. Propably justified that she of all people had to wake me up. If that is not punk as fuck she would say.

„Okay. Okay. I got it. Life's a bitch. Make her your bitch, not the other way around. I lived in insomnia too long. I am fucking pathetic. Pathetic I even thought those things about you. You are more worth than I ever could be.“

„But that is not the point. You can be it, too. See, I admitted what I thought about you. But it is all wrong. They want us to see it this way. That we are too different, that we have to fight each other. And of course, we are still very much different. But in the core, we have the same needs, dreams and wished. And the capibility to achieve them. Point is you can't do it alone, that is true. But together we can. Let me help you. If I have only my experience, I can give you that.“

„Like the circle is closed shit? How meta. But yes, if someone needs to kick my ass, it is you. But maybe not physically.“, I smiled weak.

„Yeah, like that. And sure I will with pleasure. Psychological I mean, for the other we don't know each other well enough yet.“, with which she winked and shuckled.

„For fucks sake, you couldn't let this bonding moment pass without another innuendo? You are just like Amber. Wish she had an off button.“, on which Chloe shuckled more.

„Yeah, which brings just to the next point on our order today. Don't think I see what is going on with you two.“

„What the hell do you mean? She is helping, yes. But also totally annoying.“

„Than why do you seem enjoy so much of her company? Come on, Vic. Don't reset to before what I said. Now is pure honesty on the menu. We will talk real and you benefit from it.“

Shit, why do I even have to try wiggle myself out of the ordeal? It is like a poison of self-defence creeping up on me every time I try to lose some old skin. I don't even think I can blame my border for that. Just anxiety, the real deep frighting core of my existence. I hate to admit that I am such a coward. It is embarrassing, but so true. I played an act I have to stop now. And just another ex-enemy will help me with that. Why even that? Only I made them that in my image? Why? Cause I was afraid they were right, they would change me. I think, I always knew that. Fuck, Vic, you even more fucked up that you thought. Border she can deal better with than this ironicly, but hell she needed to try.

„Okay, okay Punk. I give in into your logic. Fuck, kinda wish I would have took that stick out of my ass before. I really needed that.“

„See. See. I must been very successful if former bee queen admits that. I will charish this moment forever in my heart.“, she said with a wink.

„Sure drop out queen, but I will still kill you if you tell anyone else.“, I replied with a sweet smile and wink.

„Chapeau, two can play that game. Wished I knew before behind all this crap lay a bitch you could have fun with it.  
But back to business. Tell me, do you like Rachel? Like like-like?“

I surpressed a moan. Do I have to really face it? Come on, you can do it.

„I...you know...I... I hate this. But fine. I...shit, my former self would have killed me admitting this. But I can do this. I...like-like her, okay!“, I almost shouted. Gosh, I am dramatic. Chloe just nodded unimpressed.

„And what do you wanna do about this? I assume she doesn't know?“

„No, why the hell would I... fuck, sorry. I mean, no. I...“, I was thinking for a moment, „ …don't know what do about it.“

„That doesn't sound very convincing, Vic. Try to imagine: is it okay it how it is right now? Being friends with her and sharing some quality time. Just talking, nothing serious. Just girl pals?“ 

I nodded. It was okay.

„And you want it to stay that way or... do you want more than this? Like holding hands, cuddling, laying bed beside each other? What about about kissing, making out, talking dirty, doing the horizintal mambo?“

The more she got into this direction, the more I had to picture. I remembered the few times she touched my face, she was close to me. That I could smell her, shared her breath. She hasn't done since weeks ago and... I had to admit I missed it. My body reacted, I got goosebumps. And imagine what we... could do in bed.. fuck, Vic, you come off pretty gay for Rachel Amber right now. Shit, no shit sherlock! I couldn't take that back now. I... wanted this. I opened my mouth to speak but...

„Hey, no need to say it. I can read it in your hotred face. So serious? Wow, icky Vicky has it for perfect little Rachel. Okay, I am done making fun. Like said, I think you two are a perfect fit, how you are now.“

„Ha, yeah, if she wanted anything from me. She wouldn't touch me with a fork to be precise. Just because she changed and is all helpful, even a friend, doesn't mean...“

„Na na, Vic. You seless lesbian are doing it again. Either you don't see how she is all over you or you are truly a lost case of useless lesbian. I don't blame you, we all were there. Actually, I was the same with Rachel. She had to try very hard to convince me I wasn't make it up. Let me spare you the trouble and spell it out to you: Rachel Amber totes has the hots for you.“

Like some deja-vu I was set back so many times this day, She has.. but how? I didn't... Fuck, calm Vic, fuck. I am hyperventilating. If... if... than I should... but I never did. Fuck fuck fuck.  
Before I could get some kind of panic attack, Chloe focused me on her, talking calmly.

„Hey, hey, it is good news! You don't have to act on it right now, but you should when the fact sinked in. I bet she is just waiting for you to ask her out. And you know each other well by now, you can take it slowly. See where it goes. I see how she helps you. And I bet you trust her. Where is the problem than?“

The problem? The problem is I am a coward, still. How could I believe I had anything in control? I don't even know how I made those friends, how I am supposed... She is over my league. Fuck, did I just think that about Rachel? Kill me now.

„The problem is... I can't do this. There is no way I can pull that. I can't hope she reacts well. She will ridicule me, finally having the upper hand against me. I will be the laughstock of the school. This is worse than being hated.“

„Stop it Vic, you catastrophizing. No one is out to get you, absolutely not her. I just told her that she has fallen for you. You must have made the right impressions. She will be relieved that you feel the same.  
So say it out loud, make it a reality in your head. I am gay.“

„I am gay.“

„Who are you gay for?“

„For... for her. Okay, okay. I am gay for... for Rachel Amber.“

„And what do you want?“

„I want... aeh I want to be gay with her? Ahh, fuck, that was my foot! Okay, I want to be together with her!“

„And how you accomplish this, Vic?“

„I... don't kn.. hey, not the foot again! My heels are sore enough. I... would... need to... ask her out? But how? I can't just... there has to be an easier way!“

For a moment Chloe went all concerned, as if hatching a master plan, and just seem to have found it, making a dangerous grinning grimasse.

„Actually... there is. You are lucky Captain Chloe always has a plan. Here it is – You know still about the Vortex activities? Right, and you know what is planned in one week, before the winter break?“

What was she... oh, it dawned on me. Oh crap, yes. I saw what was her idea. I swallowed hard. Oh dear, my stomach is killing me.

„You mean the Yule Ball? But how is that different from asking her out in general?“

„You are missing the main detail – it is supposed to be relaxed. There is no pressure on coming as a couple or with a date. Many people will attend with just a friend as +1. So that is what you are gonna do. Go with her as friends. That will give you some hints on if she really wants it and maybe helps smoothen things on the evening, so in the best case you can actually ask her own later than. See it as testgame for you two.“

„Why do you have to make so much sense?“

„Maybe cause I am high. Or still some afterglow.“

„What... uuuh you are disgusting Chloe Price.“

„And still I am playing matchmaker for you, Chase. So what do you say? Operation Ice Queen can start?“

„I gonna kill you, you know that, right? But first... yes, I need your help.“

„Perfect, Captain...“

„Don't finish that. My stomach already thanks me.“

„I am sure, you will thank me later. I bet my weed on it.“, hitting me on my shoulder.  
„You better do. That's the least I can get out of this shame.“

Yule Ball, I was coming. Dancing gay with Rachel Amber, propably outing myself this way, embarrassing me to the whole school. All in a setting I left back then in pieces as a hateful figure. All to woo the girl I once thought to hate. What could go wrong? Yeay me.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, yeah much single talk this time. answering some more questions and i hope you enjoyed. :)
> 
> next time is yule ball time, so get excited for all the gay panic, gayness, angst and fluff that ensues.


	6. How I feel about you, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic gets ready for the Yule Ball, inclusive a make over  
On the Ball, it escalates on multiple levels and what left is to confess... but what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, thematic wise a two-parter.  
CW for minor flashblack. but no details of the trauma itself

I felt like a beginner. A noob. I played the game for so long and yet I missed the reality, I realized now. It was no accident people thought I have all the experience, all the tools and knowledge. The world is open to you with so much money, of course you got it all, they think. And to present this ideal is kinda the idea. I saw it for years with my parents and I don't even know what is true. Or what they want you to think they are. Like being good parents for example. There I knew too well how wrong you would be. How they can flush money down the toilet to pay lawyers, teachers, therapists, just anyone to let any scandal or idea of it vanish. 

Sometimes I wondered why they even bothered raising me, or rather be raised. Cause they never cared. I was just another investment, able to inherit all the shit that is more important than what I want. And to bring the perfect picture of a conservative christian family. I could throw up thinking about it. - Point is, I too used this kind of power for long enough to build connections and let people think what I wanted. What they needed to think I am. Only now I started to step down from that. I could feel the stares of them down my neck, not expecting her brainwashed investment to rebel. Yet I was still too afraid. 

Now about my character – they fast could see that I was able to give you the best party of your life, to connect you, raise you up, if you sucked to me and the others. Practicly slaves for our business, what my parents did in small. And to attract such ones, you had to offer them a perfect image of you, depending on what is on vogue right now – style, clothes, interests and appeal. One of the things was to be a good heterosexual example and for all those teens that you know what you do. They all thought me having a partner everytime they saw me, each time a different one, but it was just eye candy. And a fuckin lie. I never slept with anyone, I never even dated any of those jocks.

Gosh, I really wish I could get rid of the disgust those memories brought. In reality I sucked up to other as well, my parents. Even just kisses felt like... forced. Like you just did it for show. Of course I thought there must be more to it, what I all heard. Some mysterious attraction, but I only understood it as part of the game. Why would anyone wanted to do these things willingly? Even when... it was only there to show power. But I was wrong all the time. When I kissed Max – it didn't feel wrong or strange. It WAS good. As afraid me fucking coward still is, I had to admit that I know wanted to know how all this... other stuff. When it was like this with Max, how would it feel with someone you like... I swallowed. I felt a wetness creeping up I didn't know before. It... it is okay, Vic, it is normal. Gosh, I am normal? Yes, I am fitting more in now. I becoming more like them. I feel more... real.

„Hey Vic, you were waiting long there in front of my room?“, said a too well know voice and since recently it gave me chills down my spine. I turned around with red face. I was less and less able to function normal beside her. It was embarrassing.

„I...I just... you know? I didn't wait long I mean. I... just wanted to ask something.“, my heart was pumping like wild. You can do this, you can do this. You can...

„Oh, sure. Thought we meet up later like usual? I have a suggestion for once, got invested by Max in it. But shoot, what is so interesting, you couldn't wait?“

You – I almost said. I bit my lips. I am not ready, I am not ready now...

„Aehm it just a silly idea...You know, with the vortex all new now and Dana doing a good job and we haven't been there in a long time and maybe it's a good idea to show up again and see how they are doing, I mean it is nothing serious, so I understand if you don't want to...“

„Hey hey, Vic, you are blubbering. Calm down. Just spit it, you are not wasting my time if you think that.“

„Okay. Puh. Okay. Doyouwanttogowithmetotheyuleballmaybe?!“, fuck – was that, was that it? I stared holes into the ground.

„Aeh what? Excuse me Vic, but I don't think I got that the first time, maybe a bit slower?“

„Aehm yes, sure, yes. I just... they do this Yule Ball, right? I thought it would be a cool idea to.. to.. to, you know show up? Checking it out, having some fun in nice dresses for once. I know you don't like it – but I didn't want to go alone. You... you could go as my +1.“, almost whispering the last part. I hold my breath. I couldn't. This was too much.

„Oh. I mean, yeah. You are right, that sounds like fun. I just thought it is a couple thing again. Unless...“

„No, it isn't. Everyone can come.“, I said almost too fast, so she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

„Hmmm. Okay, why not. We can always go earlier if shit happens. It is friday, right? We wanna meet there or...?“

„I pick you up, I mean in the sense that we go from here that is.“, I tried to gestilute it awkwardly away. Rachel seemed confused a moment, but than nodded and smiled.

„Okay than. Let those bitches see how you rock a ball for real.“

I was only able to nod... this really worked out? Step 1 was a success? But it was only the beginning....

______________________________________________________________________  
That was monday, which gave me some days to get ready for Ball. And Chloe's plan wasn't just simply getting the tickets and attending, but actually a make over. A make over from Chloe Price... I am not kidding you. If I was going low, I could go even lower. Damn it, I wasn't that person anymore. Fuck the person I was. Who the fuck did I actually believed to me? Dull down this bitch. Only goal was to do it the day before, so I could surprise Rachel truly. Taking the bomb literaly.

To my relieve she wouldn't just do anything to me without my consent. But damn she sure would like some crazy ideas. I mean, it is nothing rare to see bordergirls change often in appearance and ideals, especially hair do and colour. Maybe it is a true stereotype, but hell to you if you call me out. Certainly another reason why Chloe became a punk. And even I must admit after some thinking it propably fitted her type much better. So make the outside new to fit the inside.

I would pick my clothes and as essence the dress, but I hadn't set my mind on it yet, so I was listening to the punk dyke about hairstyle. It was a shame to see me called butch, even if I had short hair and she would love to see me in a suit or something, but hell no. Something wild would go well though and send a totally different signal to the crowd. So I was kinda moody that my hair was short at all, not much to do. Maybe I cut it too often out of impulsitivity. Hmmm. 

But I had some new impulse. Rock it out all, if your hair is shit anyways. So I let it be dyed back to my former red tone as good as possible. Damn I kinda missed that and constant dying was the pest. Even Chloe was quite surprised. Yes, I was a redhead. Just another of many secrets. Is that really a wonder with the pale skin and freckles – okay, letter I always hid behind make up. I should show more too.  
Adding some extensions for the moment to turn time back some. Yes, definitive groove of old Victoria. Shit that, my mom only wanted to call me that after her mom. Something was missing.

The direction was to give it also a new vibe, no boring curtains. But she was quick to push away all too punk ideas like a mohawk. While switching between styles – it was my hair after all – somehow we discussed my name, as if you could change that. But as Chloe was helpful to point out how much the names were tied to my family, I should take liberation and so I decided I would try Beth. Maribeth came from my other grandmom, which mother was called Beth, who was supposedly an angel compared to all others. Not perfect, but well at this state I didn't care.

As I was coming back to hairstyle, Chloe joked about how styling gay would be helpful to get the message across, but I was interested to know what she meant by it. Seemingly there are some things that could be seen as queercoded. Damn, this world was really new to me. Did I need to read a lexicon for this bull? Anyways, in attempt to seem confident in that idea, I decided finally. At afterwards it was too late to change. I... let them give me a sidecut.

Chloe, still beaming over this, further tried to talk me into some obscure things. While I tried to ignore my old fashion sense to find something that could be ME for once. Something unique. But I had the last veto in things like jewelery. As her ideas went over punk and queer to goth and metal, I questioned if it was a good idea to have this girl alone around me. But at the same time I didn't want to be distracted by their constant making out. Made me wanna throw up for this cuteness and welp... jealous. Yeah, another hard to swallow pill. I envied those two gay gurls massively. Fuckin lost.

On the other hand she gave zero fucks when I went border in between or because of this decisions. Heck, I cried after haircut. Shit. But in the end I started to like it. It was different from everythin I ever had. It made me look... hot? Attractive for her?  
And than there were times we literal fought each other like old times. Border against border and it went ugly. A wonder we achieved the most this day at all. Okay, I admit, I cut her off after the salon deal and went with Max, fucking not guilty. Time out for border bitch number 2.

And it was Max suggesting nerdy details. Hmmm, I like the approach and as I found earrings from a Final Fantasy title, I was more than in owe. Max than found another distinctive feature – glasses. Yes, I am shortsighted and even less people know about that than my BPD or gayness. Normally I wore contact lenses. Max reminded me of mine indeed somewhat hipstery glasses I owned. I wore them like once as I hated it. But it kinda gave me a cute-sexy vibe with all the rest, I had to admit. It took form after all.

A more decent make up to that, something new fitting to my old new style. Well call me lesbian librarian somewhat. Blush. Would she even like this? And the others... but yeah she reminded me again how it was meant to be for me. Max was a bit more relaxed about the changes, but couldn't withhold that it looked 'hot'. No, I wasn't blushing. It was weird how I was used to getting all kinds of compliments, pick up lines and not so nice stuff before. But it was mainly from men, and not even nice ones at that. But how could I argue for that? I mean, somehow I hoped to be bi. And it seemed hip enough that I already know several of them. But no, honest to earth... girls, just girls. Maybe I was slowly coming around to this idea. 

I never actively searched through people, i only scanned them for weaknesses and fashion. For use and blackmail. I hated to admit which human I once was. But Max almost applauded me at how this is a big thing for me. I royally fucked up this school, and me. I see it now, don't preach more. So, and to come back to looks – I started observing people totally different, I tried my best to stay behaved, to develop some kind of respect, when my border wasn't jumpkicked. And more than that: I noticed girl. Well yes, but I mean in this new... interesting way. What made them unique, beautiful or aweful cute. Gosh, even now I couldn't list all the details I breathed in. I felt like I shouldn't do it, but Max convinced me it was okay as long it didn't become starring or stalking. Duh, as if I wanted to do that again. But I felt... refreshing to be able enjoy what always ignored. Cause I thought I shouldn't feel so.

Now I could appreciate it. Like this cute goth girl sitting there. Those... those legs. I swallowed some saliva. It is okay, you can look. Don't be creepy. She looked shortly to me and smiled, I averted my gaze. What did that mean? Just friendly or... Shit, Chloe was talking about mixed signals and the lesbian problem. Useless... I am indeed. Max giggles, but I faltered her. She wasn't much longer in the club either, which made her do a shy smile. That was more what I was used to by her. We seriously talked about a girl we both could find attractive? That... puh, that is multiple layers to unpack. 

In the end only left was some clothes, to put it mildly. In my mind I was still freaking out about everything. Tomorrow, now, my hair, the glasses, the dress, Rachel, me, my future – haaa kill me with fire.  
But I had Super-Max after all. Despite them all kinda helping me with my border, Maxine was still closest what I would call a bff. In the long run we made it, through some dark shit. I was glad by now. Wonder if she saw it similar.

„Max... I am thankful that you are here today. And... maybe I wasn't always the easiest person to go with, but tell me – was it really worth it? Are... what I wanna ask, are you glad we became friends after all?“

She just smiled.

„Beth, really. You are still asking yourself that? Okay, I get it. You are constantly afraid, but I will always tell you that I won't leave again. I don't regret having befriended you. Yes, it was tough at first, but what does it matter where we are now? We will work it out, always. Besides, with who else you could talk about photography? Or compete with?“

She squeezed my hand, but winked.

„Okay. Okay. Must be really fun to remind me over and over again.“

„Not as much trouble as you would think. More like a reflex. Now let us find something extravagant fitting for the ex queen bee. Princess Bee? But so hot, she would like to rip it from you in an instant.“

Gosh, shit. You can't trust her in modesty anymore. 

„Sometimes I would like you as a virgin more. No sassy innuendos.“

„Too late for that. And you only say that because you hadn't a change even than.“

That bitch showed me her tongue. Okay, I take it back. Max as Queen Bee would be catastrophical. For all of us.

„Stop or we have to get a jar for it, a dollar for each. And I think, Beth just doesn't do it for me after all.“

„Okay, sure. Tori than?“

„Yes, please.“

„Tori it is than.“, we both smiled.

_________________________________________________________________________  
I looked into the mirror... and didn't recognize me. Not just looks, but in general... I couldn't grasp it. High School is supposed to change you, people tell how they loathed or miss it. I did it intentionally. Focused on my goals, changed accordingly and made everyone think I was always like that. And I admit, I was too good at that. When you can't make the theatre, the world becomes the stage. And stripping off all those wrong advertisments and habits felt stripping out of a costume. A too comforable sitting one, the exposed skin under it all itchy and naked feeling. So you could, although dressed to kill, I felt more naked than any time in my life before.

But there was also something dangerous fascinating about it, no risk no fun like they say and my border loved it. Self-destroying habits are something very familiar and currently it was hard to differ between that and just actually having fun. And maybe that was bettter this way. Keeping the balance between inside and outside. Just the question what would the evening bring. And the people in it. Already expecting some shit to go to south, but well at least she wasn't alone there. So she turned circlewise, let the green flapper-inspired dress spin, to check if everything sit the way it should. I went indeed for a very loose concept. The flappers being something like the punks of the 20s. But more appealing and some seemed to be quite the dykes. Or just think Marlene Dietrich.

Almost went without glasses, but in the end why not mix it. My hair wouldn't be 20s either. And at least I could just put it off when I didn't want to see those gastly people anymore. Never thought about the advantage of that. But maybe I should have bought one just to go with the style. Even if the fashionista was mostly a costume too, didn't mean I like to coordinate and just forget the knowledge. So yeah, it won't get better. Finishing off with black nails and black ballerinas. Black always goes if in question.

Here comes my deathwish. I catched my clutch and fuck better my wristband. Finally I went out my room to the destined girl. I couldn't resist to be fashionable late and seriously my nervousity was killing me enough already. So one was left behind beside us, that made things a bit easier. I knocked before I could run away like Max the did the first day in Blackwell. Ha, good times. I didn't need to wait long as I was greeted by an incredible looking Amber. She... she was like an angel. Her little black one floating around her figure majesticly. How could I doubt she could look classy and elegant? It was toned down, but at the same time underlining the atypicality of her outfit compared to her type.

Sweeter was only when she finally let her gaze flow over me, make every part of me prickle where her eyes landed. I felt like wax under her observation. And good to know I seemed to have a similar effect on her. So she did...? Rachels eyes went wide and she couldn't hide a shade of red.

„You... you look, what should I say... breathtaking I... wow... sorry, I really didn't expect such a change.“, I smiled.

„Say that to yourself, girl. You are not the only one surprise really. You should do more often... nah show your talents more often.“

„Talents... you mean...?“

„... in Taste I mean of course, dammit.“, woah way to save that.

„Certainly nothing against yours as I see it. I like the idea with the dress, very unconventional, but you were always someone to go for that in the frame of style. But... okay, you are just waiting for me to speak about this bomb you just dropped. WTF! You are a ginger?!“

For a moment my heart stopped as I expected everything. OH MY GOD, don't do this to me already. It will be a long evening.

„Yes, and? No biggie.“, I had to smile mischevious.

„No biggie, you are good. You want to give me heart attack. That surprise surely was perfect. I have to admit, I knew before that you were wearing contact lenses, but saw never a reason to pick that up. The hair colour though... It makes total sense, now that I see, but... wow chapeau for hiding that. And if I may say it... suit you much better, the whole thing. And the hair do is just... okay, is it hot in here? Okay, i give you that, you don't make it much easier for all the boys... or girls.“

It should propably sound nonchalant, but I couldn't drop the feeling, she might implying here. How much did she knew or just assumed? Was that a good signal? Now I kinda wish, Chloe and Max would be in my ear and could see this through a mini camera like in those old spy movies. And they would freaking love it, those nerds. Damn, me propably too. But yeah too late for that idea. Okay okay. Lead the way, new me. Operation Survive the Gay officially started.

„Yeah, but wasn't the reason. You know, being more me and mix it with something new. Maybe I went overboard, who knows. Typically border. If they want to talk about me, here they have something. And it will distract me from not dying inside from anxiety. Why did I thought this was a good idea, Rachel?“

„Because I was coming? Don't think I would just go on my own either. And now it is too late to regret and better not with those bomb dresses we have. Oh and now I wanna see the shocks on the faces of your ex-'boyfriends'. Just perfect!“

„Wait... how did you know that...?“

„Oh come one, for someone like me, that was a rather obvious trick. I don't blame you, it is easy and I don't think anyone else cared. Except the boys put on their brain – heck, do you really want me to believe you dated seriously Zach and Evan? I wouldn't do these drunk and they could not be that good in bed.“

Ouch, with the last bit, I had to work strong to not let spill any more information I wasn't ready to give now. So I distracted.

„You are sure right, so don't hesitate to show what they missed. Give them the show they deserve, big class bitches for a last time. Let's go!“

_______________________________________________________________________  
As we came to the sports hall, it was bursting. Cleary a success, there must be even people outside the campus. Damn, Dana even now I underestimated your new agenda and feel for the details. From the door I could see how beautiful it looked. Just right for the season and the theme. And I didn't even felt jealous anymore. This thing was over, other people were now in charge and damn, I was even glad about it. I never wanted it really in the first place. I HATE leading and prepping, now I think about. Wow, seriously, Vic. No fucks given anymore this night!

Still I felt a bit hot and bothered checking in at the door. I didn't have to explain why I brought her of all people, even if this guy's, whatever his name, eyes dropped almost out seeing us. So much for that agenda working. And thing was every nerve of me was firing to explain it away. We were just friends. She was my +1. There is nothing gay about it. OH MY... I need something to drink. Or I don't survive this.

So you had your bar and lounge on the left, some people already cooling off or... well, get pissed. It wasn't as alcohol was forbidden, but it was limited and depening on age and other factors. Mostly no real hard things here, it was better so. On the right side was the dance floor, bursting with... well, hot people. Meaning hot girls. Vic, you pervert! But I couldn't unglue my eyes for a moment from some of those veeery short dresses. Come on, people, it was winter after all! Okay, actually it was quite warm in here with all the lights. And damn, I think I had a thing for legs... and how those were jumping... no no no, not ready for that thought yet.

„Hey Vic, seems like your nervous stomach could need some snacks. Should we go over to the buffet?“, she already had to shout over the music, that was a typical uninteresting but dancable popmix. She pointed to the long table beside the dancefloor. I nodded. Food... is your friend. My brain were becoming mouse already. Did she just catched my hand and dragged me? Breath, breath Vic...

And when she let go of it, I was fighting between shouting at her WHY and just hiding under the table. Wow, first class. You really threw all the style over the board as soon as it turned to gay mouse. Talking mouse... there was a lot of tasty food just laying in front of my eyes. Okay, okay. Time to fill this hole of yours with as much gravy and fuckin chicken as you can see. Fuck, are those mini-burritos and gratin?! Gimmmmeee my inner demon lost all his inhibitations.

„Seems, you are... occupied for the moment. Just take care that you don't overeat. I check out the floor to see who's here.“, but I didn't hear her really and just nodded. For the moment all was okay. Until... yeah until Court stood in front of me. Well, fuck. That escalated quickly.

„So, what bitch to we have here? Do you really thought under those extensions and fake dye i won't recognize you again? You have to do better than this Victoria.“, and she spit my name out as it was poison.

„And you just assume I have to costumize myself like I used to be? Unlike you I actually moved on and stopped bullshitting me or all the others. This is now me and I give a F-U-C-K if you believe me or not. I am better with it now. Just: yeah this is what my hair colour looks under all the shit I used to put on it.“, and I smacked her a bit back and she wasn't expecting me to be back on my track, But only short.

„Yeah, as if. Aren't you border bitches known to not give a fuck about their appearances anymore? Not enough that you lied to us who you are. You left us behind dealing with the crap YOU fabricated. We had to dig in our fault, kissing peoples asses to be not irrevelant. All while you were celebrating your weird ego trip. Suddenly you are sick to the brain and are, what, friends with Gayfield and this disgusting punk?“

„Again, unlike you I actively changed. Those people you call disgusting, are really my friends! They were there for me when you and Taylor weren't. I know, I was a shit friend to you and I thought, you deserve better, so I should leave you alone. Than why does this give you the mind to attack me, not less only now? Too afraid to try it before? Still licking your wounds? I am done, doing mine. I am sick? Than i am and whatever that means, I am not alone anymore and I try to move on, maybe you should try the same.“

„You fucking bitch, you destroyed my life. And for all what I tried to do for you. I am was dumb to believe I am more than I slave to you. I bet, your 'friends' are just doing the same dirty work I did. Eat shit, Maribeth.“

„Maybe you should fuckin eat something at all, I don't think this underhungered body is very attractive.“

„You fuckin dyke!“, she said before I got a fist right into my face. Almost catapulting me into the food aligned beside us. For a dangerous thin girl she still had a heavy right hanger.

Before it escalated more and I could give her my own mind on that ugly bitches face, Max and Chloe appeared, draggin Court off shouting and insulting away. Guess, she won't be any longer on the guest list when they tell Dana. At least no more nonsense from this scum. Can't believe I trusted her once. Shit, my face hurt like hell. Time to get some ice... hmmm and some bowl, when we are at it.

As I calmed my stomach with some more nice food and bowl, a nice tiredness spread in me. Maybe not clever before the dance, Rachel was right. Where was she at by the way? As I looked some time for her, I found her still on the dancefloor. Wildly dancing with a guy... okay, don't be jealous. It is just a no one. You are nothing to her... yet? Calm your tits like Chloe says. Even if my stomach said otherwise. So I went over the bar and made the next best decision. Ordered some shots. And fuck those dudes dressing me out with their eyes. I am not interested that way... did I really think that? It started to make me angry though. I should be careful to not shout anything I would regret. So I sit down and tried my best to ignore them.

Time was taking its toll and I couldn't put off my mind. This wasn't like planned. Well, she got a fight, but no one really cared besides surprised looks. But what did I really wanted her? What to proof and for whom? Should I dance? But I was really not in the mood. Shit, talking about which got worse by the minute, the alc didn't help. So I got up to... what actually? Shit, my memory. I looked around for my friends, but couldn't find them. I went around the floor, careful not to stumble. Max and Chloe were dancing. I shouldn't interrupt them. They looked all lovey-dovey and occupied. Hey, there was Dana.

„Hey, blondie. How's the party goin? You did a fuckin great... great job.“, the person in question turning around, surprised eyes.

„Ah, howdie yourself. I believe so. It never goes perfectly how you want it to be, but for my first Yule Ball, yeah, I am satisfied.   
And look at you! Some fresh style I see. You totally owned me. I betted on something else with Chloe. For some reason she made me believe you would go somewhat gothic. Of course that couldn't be true. But damn, I am fooled if that isn't a cool look. Suits you. Natural?“

„Yeppp. Maybe not the extensions of course, but you get the idea. It is... is funny to see all the sh-shocked faces. But actually...hmmm actually I like it. First a bit impulsive, but yeah, I dig it. So... you will say it sssuits me? Like just downplayed compliment or like-like hot, hmm?“, Dana looking a bit concerned at me.

„I would admit to that, if you were... you know, out and more secure in it. And propably also more sober. Don't get me wrong, we are here to have fun, but you seemed to have pre-gamed before midnight? What's up? Thought you were her with your date?“, she winked.

„Date? Not so loud, pppssst. No, I wish though. She was happy dancing on her, so I let her. Had some stress with Court. Thank-thank you. I should maybe check where...“, and in that moment I found her.

I hadn't realized that the popmusic stopped for one song for slowdancing, which the many couples and dates took advantage of. And not just them. In between all this was also no other than Rachel Amber, with a goth girl she recognized from earlier. It pierced right through her heart. They were so close, no air fit in between them, forehead to forehead like she used to do with me. The pain and jealousy was overwhelming. Like nothing I ever felt before. It made me dizzy and sober at the same time. I couldn't move my gaze from them. How their hands was wandering to places I didn't want them to be. I was shocked, couldn't move or think. Nothing else existed. How could I.... how could I think there was anything between us? I was so foolish. She didn't deserve that. After all she betrayed me in the end... wait, what did she ever promise you? Nothing. Right.

Either I was imagining things or they were about to kiss, just than the shock change in music broke them from their hypnosis into each other. And for some reason Amber looked around and than focused on me. I couldn't read her facial impression, I only knew – what? Anger, jealousy, sadness, confusion. My brain acted on its on, or who knows which part of me acted. But I turned to my side and dragged Dana into a fullblown kiss. She was too surprised first too do anything and to my surprise than leant shortly into it, just to break it off from her side, shock and confusion in her eyes as well. I don't know what I must have looked like, but I felt like screaming. This all was a big desaster. I should have never come here.

Without any further look at Rachel, I was too afraid to, or even Dana, I run off. Some people throw confused looks at me, but I was half sure no one saw what happened or my mind just hoped that. There was no time to comprehend anything going on. Faces vanished in my view, music felt like it was in slowmotion, mocking me like devils voices. Where to go? What to do? Panic was grapping me and I just wanted out. A door, please yes. But it was the bathroom door. Fuck, I trapped myself. I couldn't go out. 

What now? Wait? Hide? I tried to sort my options, which were none. I felt, I fucked up royally, but than she started it... no, actually she did nothing. But she wanted to, right? And than, you mean nothing to her. Who are you to Rachel Amber? I couldn't solve this crime on my own. I didn't want to. I wanted back to when everything started. I wish, Rachel never reached her hand out to me. I wish I never did this to Kate. I wish I never went to Blackwell. I... wish I was never born. Fuck.

I almost fell myself, when I went to the mirrors, holding to the sink as it is my last hope. Looked into this face I hated. How could I believe changing the outside would to do anything to change the outside? I saw my bruised cheek, the tears I didn't notice before, smearing my make up. This impulsive haircut. You are ugly, you don't deserve anyone, you get that? I hate you! You are me and I fucking hate me. Do you hear that? I HATE MYSELF. But the mirror image wouldn't answer. I didn't even know if I actually shouted or if it was just in my head.

FUCK YOU. I hit the mirror. I actually did. Fuck, that hurt. I looked shocked at my bloody hand. Than at the sprinkled bloody mirror. Yes, give me the pain I deserve. I started laughing for a short moment. This wasn't funny, this was a comedy! My life was just a comedy to others. Rachel wasn't perfect, she couldn't save you. She was never meant to be. She propably laughs at you there outside, right now. Or making out with everyone, boys, girls, whatever. Just like the whore Kate. Fuck, I don't want to think that. But she is a whore. A fucking WHORE – STOP. 

I was ruffling my hair, trying to grip some hint of reality left in my mind. Where was I? What was I doing? I was damn melting, I felt hot. Shit, I... I throw up on the ground. Yeah, becomes you right, fake. You are nothing but a fake. You were never real. You don't know who you are. Only Daddy's little bitch. He owns you. With his money, with his co... NOOO. Leave me ALONE! KILL ME. Decide, bitch. I HAAATE YOU.

With this moment I felt something weird. Hands...grabbing me? No, reaching? No, holding me. A body against me, from behind. Warmth. Why was I so cold? Another hearbeat. Words. Whispers. Calm words.

„Tori, I am here. You are here. There is no one else. You are here, right now, in the present. He can't hurt you anymore. I won't let him.“

I got out of my trance slowly. I felt exhausted. I hadn't a flashback since... She was here. SHE was here? I stumbled back from her. Trying to regain my clairity. SHE had no right to see me like this. No right, to....  
I turned around to see her sad face. LIAR. My rage came partly back, but it turned into more tears to shed that I could barely see her.

But.... I hurt her? No, she hurt me. 

„Please, Vic. Look at me. I know... I know I fucked up. Please listen to me.“

„No. There is nothing to talk about. You did nothing wrong, I did. Sorry, I embarrassed your date, you should go back to her.“ It was soo strange, I was literally crying, but my voice stayed calm to say those words. I wanted her to go. She deserved better. 

„She is not... You know that is not true. I am not interested in... Fuck, Vic, what are we doing here?“, I looked confused at her.

„What... what do you mean? We came here... to party.“

„Gosh, you sometimes really stubborn, you know that? Not today, in... general? What are WE doing? What is THIS?“, while she pointed a finger from her to me to her.

„I... I don't understand. We are... were friends I suppose?“, trying to end my crying.

„Wrong, again! How I am supposed... I can't just... You are not making me do this, okay?“, she sounded desperate and mad.... at herself? Why?

„Okay, I lied maybe there. There is a thing I am not... I was a cheater, I was liar. Maybe still am, honesty is hard for me – fuck, what do you know. I am making no sense right now, but whatever. What I hate, is lying to myself and fuck I am still doing this right now. I thought I just can't commit to... that I am not built for this life. Even if I promised it... to me. Maybe somehow to me.“

She really wasn't making much sense. I looked confused at her. Commit to... what?

„Okay. This evening I behaved like I used to. Giving myself up, betraying everything, just because I was afraid. I thought for a split second you ask me out. I... wanted that, okay? I wanted that since a long time. Since... I saw you at the car. It sounds fucked up, I know.   
Don't interrupt me now. I have to finish this. When you didn't – I thought that was it, that you don't feel the same way. That it was silly to think it could work out between us, so I throw myself at other people, seeking to calm the pain. I thought I deserved that, but than I saw your face. Your hurt. How wrong I was. I... never wanted to hurt. I just don't. Please, can you forgive me? I just can't.... live with....knowing....“, and than she started cried.

I couldn't compute what was happening. Was I in another timeline, universe? She... how possibly... but she just said it. I couldn't ignore it. Rachel Amber... felt the same? My heart was aching, but not in the bad way. There was... hope? Fuck, I had to... I had to do something!  
I did what came to my mind, hugged her. And so were we sitting for a while, crying into each others shoulders, till we couldn't anymore. It was sad, but slowly my brain started to understand what she said. I mean, really. I let go of her and looked her dead into the eyes. I had to know.

„But... but I hurt you first. I... fuck, I kissed Dana! You can't forgive me for that.“

„But I can! I know it is crazy, but I do. I know it was your brain, it didn't mean anything in this moment. Because what.... what I almost did. I couldn't forgive myself if I...“

„Wait.... two can play that game! You didn't and even if... why should I not forgive you either? Just after what you said.... I could never hate you.“, both looking embarrassed at this ping-pong match.

„So... so we are even? But how after what I said? You must think I am a freak. That me, your ex-enemy has fallen for you. I know, you.... are not leaning that way. It is better....“, but I had to stop her.

„Are you border....?“, I just said.

„Aeh... how do you mean?“, and her confused look brought me smile just enough to be noticeable.

„Cause you come over to me like that right now. Didn't you see me kiss Dana?“

„Yes, but that was...“

„No, not just that.“, now she looked even more confused, but changed it to understanding.

„You mean... you mean that....?“

„Yes, that I am leaning like that. Exclusively.“, and I couldn't believe that I just said that. To... to her. A mix of ecstasy and fear spread in me. Shit, I should... it couldn't stand like that.

„So... you feel... feel that way for me?“, I whispered as quite as possible.

„...yes. Very much even. And... you? The same I mean?“, she responded in the same manner.

„Yes, very much too.“

And with that we went silent for a short time, looking into each other eyes. Her hazel eyes focused on mine. And only now I could see all the hurt and pain, but also... also love. Love for me? Yes, dummy. Yes, Rachel Amber felt the same for me. And she knew I felt the same about her. No more lies or secrets. We saw each other, truly. Were those butterflies they talked about? I couldn't grasp my luck.

Rachel Amber felt the same about me. Rachel Amber liked me back.  
And maybe she had similar thoughts and we both had to laugh. A true relieving laugh from the heart.

In this moment the bathroom door opened and no other than Warren Graham went through, starled by what he saw and stood still. Looking and the destroyed mirror, the blood, us sitting laughing on the ground with dried tears and ruined make up.

„Aehhh ladies.... what happened here?“

„Just two stubborn bitches I guess.“, I said. 

On which we both had to laugh again. Leaving Warren even more confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we go, our girls are out and about to each other. but this won't make it any easier from now as they will have to talk about some serious stuff and more in depth what they want. stay tuned for that in the next part.
> 
> damn hard this time to find the right balance what to write when. first i planned to have more pre-game on the Ball, but than had too much fun with the re-styling. And seriously, I just wanted them to confess finally :D  
At least you got some Court action and promised, next time some other characters will give their opinions too.
> 
> hope you as happy as me about it


	7. Imperfect Rachel Amber OR How I feel about you, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Yule Ball goes on. Vic and Rachel yet have to define their new found connection.  
In between they get approached by other students. Some friendly, some not so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aside of a short part, here you get maximum fluff for once.

It wasn't hard to make Warren go again, after he insisted on flicking my hand. It was more unbelievable than lucky that there was no splinter of glass in it or anything broken. The luck is really with kids and the drunk. And good thing they had a first aid kit right here. There we no real question we would need to answer him and sadly he had to make up his own ideas about it. I certainly wouldn't out myself to Warren Graham as first person of them. So he left and we just fixed our make up and her hair, weirdly silent staying and yeah... awkwardness.

Yes, we just confessed... I still didn't know how much. Just we liked each other. So... what now? Fuck, I don't know how to ask. I never did this. But... does than mean I ask her how now? 'Hey babe, how about we meet in private...' or 'would it be somehow possible to go an a date uwu?'. Both didn't sound too well. Neither of us looked at the other as if nothing happened. But it did? I had to look at her and couldn't resist admiring her. She looked so beautiful. I was so so so useless right now.

„So... of all people... you like me? I mean I am convinced, I have some 'talents' how you put it earlier. But still – just cause we became friends and...?“ I was glad to be not the only one insecure about all this.

„Yes.... I didn't believe at first either. All... this, you know, ahem gay stuff... is new to me. Fuck, I am still embarrassed talking about it, what is wrong with me.“

„Nothing, nothing really. No matter the age, I understand that too well. I won't push you, trust me. I have enough just trying to get at people. I don't want that with you.“

My heart. Did she imply...? My legs felt weak all of a sudden.

„Does... does that mean... you want me... us...aeh?“

„Sorry, I am... shit, I am bad at this. And I even thought I did it with Chloe, but it was never like this.... serious. I really wanna try... this with us, okay? Me, Rachel Amber, wants to commit with you. Pfffff.“

„Commit....? To what? Sorry, I think I need clarity to not go border.“

„You are right. Okay, again. I was asking you out, dummy. If... you want to go out with me? Like date-like, ya know? Oh crap, that sounds...“

„... perfect to me. Wow, I mean, yes. I want that too.“

And with that we both looked blushing at each other for a while. If that does mean anything, than that we fit together how awkward we are. I am dating Rachel Amber? Shoot me, how did that happen? But now I am glad I do. I took a big breath and exhaled slowly.

„Shall we? Before anyone gets suspicious.“

„Yeah. We should talker later more about it. Let's try to ease it out.“

„Hmm-hmmh, but I think I might want to go earlier now. This was... an aweful lot. More to digest than just the food.“

„I can imagine... saying that, I think I need to as well. I feel too light now. You have this effect on me, Vic.“

I blushed a deep red I could feel. But I wasn't embarrassed at it anymore. I enjoyed it. She had that effect on me as well.

„... you too. Ahheem. And you can call me Tori from now on. It... it just feels right.“

And despite what just said, I turned around, so she couldn't see my face, but I could feel her smile into my neck. I could have never guessed what kind of feel this. You are not alone anymore. The butterflies were dancing again. I wanted to be alone with her soon. I need her to tell... tell everything now the levee broke.

But first we went out again. Suspiciously everything like it used to be. No one cared we were missing some time. It must be past midnight now at least. Fuck I should... But I could see Dana nowhere. I hope I didn't hurt her. Why did I have to... it's enough Tori, you couldn't do anything about it right now. You won't lose her over that, she is tougher than that. At least I tried to make myself believe in that.

I planned to sit down in the lounge while Rachel was grabbin some needed food after this emotional desaster. Gave me time to think more about it. It still seemed so unreal. Would you have told me a year ago only what all would happen and change, I wouldn't believe you. Even less being... what actual to Rachel? Partner? Girl...friend? I had to blush at that term. It sounds strange, but good at the same time. I meant something to her. She cared. Rachel Amber wanted me to be her. Alone. Oh wow, I only realized now what she meant with the word commit. She was... serious? Yes, Vic, how else you explain everything that happened? The thought made me breathless. I had no idea how sort this feeling of... having someone at my side. Gosh, I am talking sweet shit. But Max would tell me again how I deserved it. I did deserve? Its hot in here all of a sudden.

__________________________________________________________________  
My mind was somehow set on talking to her. I had to get... I had to understand it better, whatever that meant. There is so much I have no clue about. Not only the gay, but relationship stuff in general. And yes, Rachel itself. If she was so serious, she needed to hear everything. I shuddered at that thought. Even Max only knows hints of it. I never told anyone and never thought I should or would. But is it fair to hide that from her and if this... this is something real? Yes, I wanted it to be serious, I was sure now. I wanted to try it at least. Risks... Chloe said. Oh fuck, well.

Before I could reminiscend a bit more, I was approached by a little group. Maybe they wanted to... nope, straight going for me. What a pun. But I wasn't one for laughing right now. Seems I didn't come along much longer being an uncanny doppelganger. Screw me, here comes the drama.  
I looked up to see Taylor, Zach and Evan. Oh yeah, the party just got started.

„Well, who do we have here? Bitch changed much, new idea to hide from our eyes? Guess what, you can't hide your shit from us.“, Evan said.

„And I tried to dated her, what a waste. Psycho-Bitch indeed. Maybe I should have been more tough on you? Maybe you wouldn't have turned all dykey.“, Zach added. Taylor just staying silent yet.

„Guess who was desperate enough to suck up to the vortex members? Maybe cause I know your game wasn't going anywhere? Failing your grades and not getting any field as player? Good bye to your stipendium. I could haven given you a real chance.“, I tried to come back at him, but he only snickered at me.

„Bitch, you were desperate to cover up what psycho and deviant you are. And I get it now why you played all coy. If you sucked up to me, and I mean it literal, we could had some fun at least. But I see now that you need something stronger. I can still give it to you, nothing against hate fuck. Or wait when we are al...“

I wanted to throw up, but Taylore spoke finally.

„She isn't worth it really. Look at her, took some pages from the drop out. Who knows, maybe her bitch too. And those ugly glasses. Only good thing to hide by her.“

She had a disgusted look in her face. But it seemed... fake. Maybe I never paid the attention to her I should, but I could tell that something was wrong here. Wasn't she as mad as she made it out to be?

„No one cares about your fashion faux pas. This is not some random gossip, this tramp is fuckin crazy. Call me puzzeled why I gave her a shot. Must have read her character wrong. Who is such a good liar doesn't deserve to be trusted. She is a joke.“, Evan said.

„More like a danger. To herself and other, wonder no one keeps her behind bars like this Presdick boy. Always figured them to be some incestious rich couple. And I see how related they are now – wrong in the head, both. Rich parents throwing their money at them and giving a fuck. See what comes out of that.“, Zach entered again.

„Yeah, that might be true and hell I agree all on hating my parents. Sure, than I am sick to the head. But I won't hide being nutjob like you Zach. Wonders me that you haven't raped and killed any girl. Anything I see your career going. Psycho of me to consider even going with you.  
And you Evans, just as arrogant as all the other players. You suck it up, because you wish you would be as rich and wanted as us. But guess what, before and after I dumped you – no one cared about you loser.  
I am so fed up with your guys. You think I do this to hide or get back at you? I don't need to. You are worthless and I moved on. You disgust me.“  
And I wanted to turn around, but Zach hold my arm back.

„Where do you think you are going? As if we just accept what your whore mouth says before we shut it for you? You won't disrespect us like you used to and not getting away. You are trash now and everyone knows it. They don't care anymore. Who would do anything if we beat the smile out of your hoe face? Cause that's what you are, a hoe. Blaming and embarrassing honest guys like us just to become a fuckin shame. Don't think we didn't saw your sapphic whoring. You are disgusting. Unnatural to see it at this school, too much went wrong here. I will fuck your twisted mind out of your bones.“, and reached for me. Evan coming closer too.

I was shellshocked. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch. I was frozen. Not again. You deserve that. You should be fucked by some nice cock. You need it in you. You are wrong. It is your fault. Fuck. I don't wanna think this. I am not a slut. Yes, you are. Shit shit shit.  
But before they could do anything to me, someone landed a hit right in Zachs ugly visage. I think I could hear a nose break, at least the sound was very unpleasant, some blood flow through the air. Evan stood still, shocked. Folling the arm to the fists owner like I did. Rachel was back, looking a furious vengeful... angel. Her eyes showed pure anger, but... it was her eyes. She... protected me? Relief was flushing down my spine. She came to save me. Wow, why did that make feel so... so gay?

Zach was laying on the ground, holding his nose. Some people nearby were looking now. Evan looked at him, back to her, undecisive what do, but than utter 'fuck you' and helped Zach up, who whining in hurt. I had surpress a laugh now. Why did I think to let myself be intimidated by those pathetic boys? Fuck, I need to get better with this. Please don't let any situation escalate like this. Rachel uttered some mean words from her side to them, but I couldn't focus much yet. Peak weirdness. Why was this all happening? Fucking world was flipped. I hate being this vulnerable, but he was right in one point: I lost all leverage and respect from idiots like him.  
I saw them leaving towards the doors, Evan packing that huge useless muscle package. I hope that was the end of it. But Taylor was left behind, seeming even more unsure what to do. Rachel looked as if she wanted to say her words to her too, but I hold her back with a hand movement.  
Rachel looked at Taylor, still somewhat furious and holding her hurting. Hand.

„Do you hold the same opinion as them?“, she directed at her.

Taylor seemed uncomfortable, but didn't look away from her. 

„No. Not at all. I am glad they got what they deserved. I was just coincidentally with them as I saw them approaching Vic. I thought I could hold them back somehow. But really, it was just a farce.“, she looked at me.  
„Sorry, Vic, I really am. Would I have known that... ah bullshit. Okay, here is the deal. I don't hate you, but hurt is a bitch, I think you know that best. Not from what you did or didn't, but that you left us alone. I tried to help you, but wouldn't let me and I just was at my end. That's propably why I didn't intervene early or any good here. If I can't stand on your side, why should I try it now? Yeah, being angry at me for that, I deserve it.“

Rachel looked a bit surprised and I couldn't hide that I was too, despite hoping something like that. Was she more on my side than I used to believe? Now I had to know.

„You say, you tried. But in my memory I treated you both as slaves, as bimbos to use. I was a bad friend, actually non at all. How can you assume I valued that? I wish I did then, but I was blind to what can be possible. I denied myself any other thing than hate and control. They tell me I am not a bad person, but in that time and to you, I was. I behaved like crap and you had to feel that. It would be really okay to hate me or at least don't want to have anything to do with me. Like Courtney, clearlly.“

Taylor looked hurt indeed, or rather ashamed.

„Yeah, I am sorry for her too. I tried to talk her out of it, but guess I am no use to anyone anymore. Blackwell changed, we all did. And not all to the best. I let myself sink low.  
To answer your doubts: I wanted to be the friend you can count on, really. I thought you needed that, when no one else could. But I had my limits to get there. I couldn't think of a way to make you see. And I gave myself the fault for it. I even get to think I have to suck up to you first for you to trust me. The biggest failure. I indulged with you in those... acts. We hurt people together and didn't help anyone. I had to make amends, for myself at least if I couldn't for you. You still were too far away. You just let us go. And I felt like a loser. After my mom's death... I thought helping people was something I needed to do. It was hard to realize that I, personally, can't save everyone my way.  
I am slowly accepting this. But still no excuse that I didn't stick up here to you. Fuck, I have enough of being lethargic. I saw how you did that, too, in a different way. What is wrong with us? Shouldn't we be better than hurting alone and pushing people away?“, she had tears in her eyes now,

„I know, Tay, I know. I never blamed you, you know that I hope? Only myself. And I know that this wrong as well. It is easy to only see yourself when the walls are closed in on you. I could also argue how I should have been there for you, but we can't change the past. We can't let it pain us any more than it did. Fuck, let it change us, but to the better. Othe people let us grow I know now, too.  
Can... can we just start anew? If you still want to be my friend?“, I offered.

Now it was to Taylor to look surprised. But soon enough it changed to a warm sobby smile. Shit, I did that? I can for once make people better?

„Very much, Vic. We are stronger than this bullshit. Bitches being bitches, right?“, winking at Rachel, who rolled her eyes.

„Come here than, sweet-T.“, and we hugged for a while. It felt it astoundly good. If life could be really so easy? I don't wanna miss how doing good feels anymore. Than she let go and had a mischevious grin in her face. What?

„So.... you two? Hell lot of a story I see her. How comes?“

We both blushed and I opened my mouth, just to close it again.

„Come on, guys. You wish, no one saw what was going on and the gossip machine is still the worst. But really, I am happy for you both. Wouldn't have guessed in a thousand years, but life is strange. Stranger things happened than enemys feeling the love, right?“, still having a shit eating grin in her face. It plugged me from my initial shock.

„And I guess, some things never change. You still like to tease, hmm?“  
„You know it, Vic! But I mean it, you are all cute and fuzzy with each other. And than, damn! How Righteous Rachel avenged your ass, quite your personal heroine!“, she winked.  
„Okay, I stop. I am just so happy for you, and quite frankly, somewhat jealous. For once, I am still fucking single for fucks sake – sucks – and I thought, at least back then, you would go for me. Ha, yeah I know, talk about ego. And yes, I kinda had a feeling, you were not totally straight.“

I blushed hard. How was that possible... I...

„You didn't even know, right? Yeah, but lets say... I had my own experiences there and you seemed somewhat hot and cold with the whole relationship topic, ah and the fake boyfriends. Maybe I wasn't always as blind. Point is – no biggie to me. But you have to tell me, maybe not now but later, how this came to be.“, pointing between me and Rachel.

„Okay, Tay, I will, promised. Just say... yeah, life is strange. But in the best way possible. And it is rather new, to both of us.“, smiling at Rach.

But suddenly Rachel looked very curious at Taylor.  
„Wait a second, you had your own 'experiences'? Does that mean you are bi too, Taylor?“

„Wouldn't say that. But isn't that here to try all stuff, just to know? And no, I stay with the boys – sadly, I have to admit. Most are trash here and seems, lesbians having a high time on this school.“, nodding towards the dance floor, where Max and Chloe still were going well. Where did they learn such stamina... aehm I don't wanna know. Yet.  
„So I wish I was, but I have to agree that chicks are just better looking. We own the beauty here, I guess. And Vic... you could have choosen worse.“, she winked again with that vile grin. Leaving her interests still kinda vague. Something she didn't tell me? Oh wait, Tay, we will talk...

„Okay, I am glad you two came clean finally, but I think Vic needs some off-time after all the crap that happened. Unless...?“

„No, you are right. We talk another day. That was quite the trauma, so we will leave early, sorry for that.“

„Nah, not to me. You deserve that. And I will try to distract people from your 'thing', so you can have some fun time alone.“, Taylor said and winked, before vanishing into the crow. What the hell! Could I for once turn this blushing off?

So we went finally towards the doors, just to be greeted by another pair of people. Rachel awaiting the worst, even as we recognized Alyssa and Brooke. Why would they talk to me when I never did to them? Okay, stranger things...

„Hey..ahem hey, girls. We just thought it would be nice for you to hear some kind words after we saw what went down. This school can be ugly sometimes. And yeah... we didn't talk even before or really liked each other but... congratulation are in order I guess? You seem very happy together and I wanted to... to just say said. Don't let thoses guys upset your luck. Yeah... that was everything.“, Alyssa said. Brooke just stood there awkwardly and nodded. „Same.“

I raised my eyebrows, but it was really nice to hear that. I guess, I totally can crop hiding it to anyone. Taylor will be disappointed... Shit, you expected as much. You are out. I am out. Fuck, that is feeling strange. Rachel squeezed my hand to remind me to actually answer.

„Thank you Alyssa, and you too I guess? I understand if we can't be friends anymore, but I can promise to never going back to the person I was. I really appreciate you coming forward. These are weird times and... you know what? Maybe we should sit down for once and really talk, how does that sound?“, and tried my best at a honest smile. Alyssa looked surprised, but nodded than with a smile too. It can be that easy...?

„So we can forget this being a secret? Does everyone know by now?“, Rachel asked them. With that Brooke just hold her phone up, showing that someone posted it on Facebook. OH MY GOD, those fuckers. Guess that was revenge calling already. Yep, I was dead. Dead dead dead.

Rachel noticed my panic.  
„Seems, we should better flee for the moment. Glad to be able to talk to you two and appreciate your good wishes, but let's wait till the tide slowed down, okay? See ya.“, both nodding as we she drew me out the building.

___________________________________________________________________  
„Wasn't that a bit rough? It seemed genuine. Still buffed by it.“

, I uttered.

„Yeah, but I don't want any questions right now. Still don't trust the overall rumour mill. I would rather talk it out with you first. I had the impression, you wanted that too. Did I fuck up? I did it again, right? Trying to control you like all the others...“, but I stopped her with grabbing her hand. It felt natural by now. Feeling her warm skin, but she was shaking.

„No, it is nothing like that. You should know that I trust you by now. You are not that person anymore, I mean yes, but you... ah you know what I mean. I really talked enough about this. Change, chances, mistakes. Let's... let's move on from that, I am SO exhausting from trying to justify myself. I just want... I dunno.“ Seeing her smiling at me.

„I get you there. Very much. Old habits die slow, am I right? You have your border, but we both have our insecurities. Mine is mainly just that I never thought I could be so serious about something. I don't wanna fuck this up. Us, I mean. Please always tell me when I slip or behave like old me, just like I tell you when you are border, okay?“

„Okay, promised. Makes a lot of sense. Never saw it that way. Maybe the whole word is border, just not like one might think. Kinda glad I don't have to feel like the only cripple in this... how would you call it?“

I tried to pull it off as a detail, but my voice was shaking. And of course she was noticing it. I could no longer fool her. Damn, I shouldn't.

„Don't mind, I was constantly avoiding this question too. But... we both want it right, so... we are together?“, she asked back the same way, also trying to hide how shook she was actually.

„Yes. I won't take it back, if you think that.“

„No, of course not. Me neither. So, that only means.... this is a relationship. A honest to god bonding. You snort, but it is a huge deal to me. I thought I was serious with Chloe, but now I think that was not entirely true. She came close to be the one, but something was missing, I don't know what yet. Maybe I don't need to, just I am sure this feels so so right.“

At this we both blushed like the useless bitches we were. By now we were walking slowly down the street, under a full moon. Fuck me, but was it only me who found that romantic? So... natural. It was absurd how happy just holding hands with her made me. This giggling inside me was a new side for me I didn't know I possessed. Oh yeah, let all hope drive away. I was her, I realized. And I was very happy with that.

„What, you are saying... I am the one for you? You mean as a methapher or...“, I tried to come back before getting lost in this moment, even if I wanted. I could see her red cheeks in the side of my eyes.

„Oh! Ahm, I meant... yes, maybe. I... you know what? No! I quite meant it literal. Maybe cool me a fool and romantic nerd, but I like those ideas. Even if it wouldn't be true, I have no problem assuming it. What we have is real and I won't treat it anymore as if it isn't what I want and that I think it could be the big shot. Screw it, I sound like a mess, right?“

I stood still and looked into her gorgeous eyes. Fuck, I needed to... I want to show how special she is to me, when i could express it in words. So I had an idea. I reached out with my hand and placed it on her left cheek like she did with me before. I could feel her shiver and breath going faster. It felt warm despite the weather. It felt normal as if I did this before.

„Just as much as I do. We are both romantic fools, see? I didn't want to admit it before either, but I dig this. Very much. You make me want things I never wanted to explore before. Make me realize things about myself I wouldn't have dared to express. Reviving wishes in me I thought to be dead. Fuck, I think you really make wanna stay alive. And something I don't say easily.“, okay seems I found the words after all.

Rachel dragged me closer to herself, still aware that I was half a head taller than her. But hey, smaller than Chloe was, so must be an improve... scrap that thought. I didn't mind and telling after her face, she didn't either. She got on her toes and now we were nearly on the same height. Did her eyes sparkle? This new heigh must be just like any drug. But better. Rachel's lips shivered as if she wasn't sure what to do next. Is she...?

„Can... can I kiss you, Tori?“, she said with the faintest voice.

I felt my eyes getting wider and my heartrate raising. My hand felt wet. But this all didn't matter as my brain had only one answer left. 

„Yes.“

And than she kissed me. I kissed her. No, we melted into each other. I was right in this one after all. The one with Max felt right and showed me the way, but here, with someone I liked, it felt... breathtaking, magical, astounding, unbelievable, energetic, dreamy, just all the derpy romantic words I could come up with. But at the same time my mind was blank, only filled with this feel, the butterflies, with Rachel. Was this... could I say this already... I don't dare yet. But without a name for it, it was all I ever could dream of. I would never go back.

We parted after several minutes, both breathless but a happy gooey feel in our knees and a very dreamy satisfied look in our faces. Wow, did I look as much on drugs like Rachel did? I never got how couples are, silly, unbelievable sweet and so into each other until now. Can I be happy? It is that what I deserved? At least in this moment it felt like it. Screw border for a tiny whisp of time, this was sacred.

„Wowser!“ „Wowser!“, we let out at the same time. Looked in disbelief, but than laughed our asses off for another while.

„Shit, Maxine is really a bad influence for us as well.“

„You say it. Why is this only thing left from all her pun genius? So lame it is embarrassing.“

„At least I am not ashamed alone this time.“, looking knowingly at Rachel.

„You are right, Tori. Does this answer your question though?“

I thought for a moment, the answer was really easy now. How else could I describe it? Foolish if not that way. It all became real now.

„We are in a relationship.“

Rachel smiled at that. „Yes, I agree. It is a weird feeling, but also very right.“ I nodded. She seemed suddenly spaced out and blushed than. Untypical for her Rachel averted her smile before asking:  
„Can... can I call you girlfriend? I don't why this makes me suddenly so shy, but... ohh I think never used that term on anyone, not even Chloe. Oh shit. Wow, that... that is something. But I won't take it back.“

I looked confused a while, but I got it than. I am the first? How many other first have I, we, to break this night? Now it felt like it went to fast. No, breath, Vic, breath. It is nothing bad. Do I want that? Yes, I wanted. It made only sense and yet, yes, it made her blush as well again. But now was enough of this or I feared to explode. Not a way to end this.

„Yes. Calm, Rachel. You don't have to justify it anymore, remember? We are doing this together now. Just don't expect me to start calling you honey, baby or darling. Shudder.“, make a fake disgust expression. But really, I won't, not even for Rachel Wonder Woman.

„Ha, yeah. Didn't plan on those ones either. I might just become a sucker for romance with you, but doesn't mean I delve into the hells of becoming a fusioned being of sweetness with you that disgust everyone, us included. I mean, Pricefield comes pretty close. Guess, I gotta have talk with them.“

„Pricefield? Oh my god, don't call them that. That is too much for my taste already. What are we than? Amberchase? ChaseAmber? Kill me now. Or rather I will end you if you ever use that.“

„Me? Hell no! But can't speak for certain people though. I feel, we need to start a project of letting no one call us that. And assassination targets who utters things like Rachtoria or Vicel. Oh fuck, I never said those.“

We both had to laugh. Who would have thought we had such chemistry? Fate has a funny number on us, but I didn't care for once – oh, ironic. Should I rather say care for once? Yes, indeed.  
It started to snow. After all those bright winter days. Nope sky, I won't see that as a fucked up sign. Let me have my gay happiness in all calmness. It was my hard work alone. If you could call crying, running, shouting and beating up things the needed work to provoke some wonder.

„But seriously – before we go back. I said, I have to tell you some things. Shit, I don't think I can tell everything right away, but I have to. It is only fair now. You need to know about me. Every tiny dirty bit. No more secrets.“, still a bit scared what she would say about that.

„I see that. Honestly, I felt that. But you shouldn't force yourself either. One thing at a time. Let us grow together like you said so nicely before. We got time, I won't go anywhere right now. I came to stay, so to speak. And whenever you wanna tell me something and you feel ready for it, do it. If not, fine. I will be there to shelter you, to hug you, lean an ear or whatever else I am able to do for soothing your pain.“, Rachel winked.

I looked in awe at her. I can't imagine now how I ever hated her. That I wanted her to just leave and never come back. But fuck, I am happy she came back and that she turned my world upside down. Here to stay indeed. Me too. Me too, perfect Rachel Amber.

„You are too good for me, you know that? Of all people I could have.... no, I don't start like that. You were not only there for me at right time and place and shook everything I knew – you are the only real fix point I have in my life now. It wouldn't be anything at all without you. So everything you said, goes also for me. I am a fucked up bitch and it won't be easy always, but I want you to know Rachel that I am here for you to, in whatever may come. You don't have to hide your pain either. Despite what people said, you are imperfect and that is valid.“

Now it was to her to look in awe. And it made me already happy that I could evoke those feelings in her. I can make her shook in a positive way. I can make her feel things, just because... how I talk and act. Being me. I can be me with her. I don't have to hide anymore. And I should have realized this sooner, but... I AM HAPPY.

„Wow, Chase, you come up pretty gay to me right now.“, Rachel said than with an humorous glint in her eyes. Oh wait...

„And you seem to be still a mean bitch after all.“, I contered,

„Hey, wasn't me who squeed like an anime girl. Seems your movies have a dangerous effect on you.“, she said with a surpressed laughter.

„Oh, you.... I will show you how dangerous an otaku can be!“, I said with played anger, also having difficulty hiding a smile.

„UwU, what's this?“, she uttered between bursts of laughter.

„No, you didn't!“, I said and lounged at her with a played scream.

I pushed her, while she was draggin me to the ground with her, both landing in the thick snow that has developed in the meantime. Our hair was already wet from it and you couldn't see well at the moment. I landed right on her, feeling her pressed at me, which made my useless ass blush again like the naive girl she made me out to be in the joke. Wow, this... closeness is... nothing I can handle right now.

And so she saw a moment to grab me and rolled us around, so Rachel was on top this time, showing no blush or insecurity. I see... this was her game. Experience I didn't have. Fuck, my weak point it seemed. She was sitting on me and laughed again. Gladly nothing malevolent or I would have overthought this whole girlfriend thing again...

„Oh come on, Tori. You know what didn't change. Me, being an insufferable bitch for having silly fun. Guess what, to that you have to get used. I promise, it stays between us. Also, there is enough catching up with you, now you lost... okay, that we lost this stick in the ass. And know what? I love snow. We better enjoy this.“

And with that she turned around again, before I could reply, letting us both roll down a little hill. I couldn't compute where or how fast we were going and it was over sooner than later. With a big breath taking out of my lunges by Rachel smashing her weight, we finally came to a hold. And for a second I was tempted to get angry at her, but as I saw her eyes becoming a bit scared, she might have overdone it, I had to laugh. Shit. Fuck. I really was in for a ride with this girl, was I?

„Shit, Tori. For a moment you had me. Tell me when I overdo it, okay? Didn't mean to hurt you this way. Would never do when you are border and it would be valid if...“

„Hey, Rachel. It is okay, you are insecure again. Let me tell you that I am too. It won't go away and we will struggle, but we will make it, I am sure of that. Chloe was right with taking risks...“

Rachel raised an eyebrow. „Chloe gave you an useful advice? Are we talking of the same person?“

„Yeah, I know! It sounds unlike her, but if she is not border, or any of us two, she might be wiser than she lets it on.“

Rachel still looked sceptical.

„...okay and we were pretty high.“

„That sounds more like her. Was that the only advice she gave?“

„Actually... no. She was it who convinced me to finally try something I was scared of hell of.“

„Oh, and what might that have been?“

„You.“

Now I got her speechless. Well, it had to be that if nothing else.

„Yeah... you see like how much I had a case of gay panic. To the point you weren't aware and thought me going with you to the ball as friends was just that. Still sorry for that, but it was her idea to check the grounds. What we both feel. Of course it went terrible catastrophic, but...“

„... in the end it worked out, right? I see now. Bless Chloe Price for her stupid ideas than. You know, you have to thank her now for that, right?“

„Yeah, don't remind me. And hey, actually you too!“

„Okay, okay, I will. But first... let senpai notice you.“, giving me a shit eating grin. Not again! I swear, if... oh she was kissing me. Okay, now I understood. I could... go around with this treatment.

And so I was laying in the cold snow, full on snowing, but having girl of my dreams in my arms, warming me and my sould. Fuck fairytales, this is better. And if it wouldn't be for the cold, I could stay endless here.  
And for the fact that my phone rang. What the fuck....  
I had remove myself from her and sitting up to fish my phone out, annoyed to be interrupted in all times...  
But my heart froze as I saw who was trying to reach me.

My father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never knew where writing this fic in specific and and starting here would bring me. And as some things didn't turn out as wanted and many things changed over the course of planning this very loose story, it became a form I like after all. And in my own opinion I am proud enough to have started this.  
And I already have more ideas for other fics, but for now I only focus on this one. Like said, still lots of things to tell in it.
> 
> If you have any specific wishes, make sure to write them in the comments. I have my scope, but as seen already, you can always inspire me to tweak some things.


	8. Victoria OR The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic obeys to her trauma, but Rach won't let her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it is a short chapter, but as I planned it as a part of the former first and it was hard to write, I decided that way.  
Next one will be normal length again.
> 
> CW: mention of rape, physical and emotional abuse

It was christmas morning, but for me it could have been any other fucking one. I didn't care. This was my life now. Again?   
Sitting on an empty table, just having an ordered christmas roast on a lonely plate as if it just some fucking joke. I picked in it with my fork with no real interest. A feast for the family indeed. Showing that they are not, whatever the blood says. Order here myself to sit and pretend it is normal to be alone at such day. A day most consider to be celebrated, together and in joy. I had none of those things. None. And it was supposed to be welcoming all the feelings you share and charish. But I had none left. I felt dead. Cause I could be as good that. I wished I was, since a long time. How could I have forgot how this hell felt?

The nearby clock ticking was making me crazy, so I threw the plate with its contents against the chimney. The butler winced, but didn't showed any facial expression. That money was too good to say any word. I could insult him if I wanted, it would change nothing. Everything here was as fake as I was. You can't escape your responsibility to the family, Maribeth, Mother had uttered. Or rather the ice cold lady as I know her. With no emotions beside disgust and disrespect. And her eyes told me exactly this when I arrived, what father only could do with words over the phone.  
Time to get up and pretend I would behave in every detail. But the butler wouldn't tell anything, the only part about him she liked.

Going upstairs towards my room, but making a check in the bathroom. Looking into the pale face I didn't recognize anymore in the mirror. The same old lies painted in my face, same now hated clothes hanging on me. But I couldn't make a change now. They respected my now old choices and they were standard now. You tricked them too, Maribeth. And you had no veto in all of this. You had to obey or feel the consequences.   
But for a week I could take minor freedoms only, when there were no parents or guests. So I pulled the blond wig, resembling long hair, and revealing a sharp shaved bold head. To make it even, Mother said. But I was also a hidden punishment no one knew of. As if I cared. It is only hair.

Back to my room I sat down, looking at the table where once a laptop was. It was easier than you thought nowadays to cut someone of contacts and communication. Just steal my things. My phone was gone too. No one knew where I was or what I was doing. And they had no way to find me. It was to show me who was in control after all. I had to deny any 'scandals' and escapedes official, render my new personality void. Cutting off any 'deviant' friends. And I joke you not, all contained in a waterproof but propably illegal contract, but no one would piss off my parents there. They are too powerful. Only thing I could be free of guilt from is signing it. They faked it for me beforehand. My decisions didn't count, I could be just property as well.

My father knew how to lure me in. How to make feel like I don't matter again, like the naive kid I was. My mind was telling me he was right and right to do those things. Treat me like the shit I am. Cutting me down the only truth I know: his demands go over mine. Otherwise... otherwise it would have terrible consequences. It was even worse what I got from Rachel when I told her. She tried to convince me against it, but there was no use. This was a fight I couldn't win and even Rachel couldn't do anything there. I saw her sobbing, disappointed face still in front of me. But I was just too good at burning bridges. They will put me on another school as well, of course. I won't see her ever again. Endgame. How could I have ever believed there was a way?

But I couldn't stop myself from crying, like every damn day and night since then. It was the only real noise in this empty house.

___________________________________________________________________  
The days went. Christmas went over pretty fast. Time was nothing anymore. So many things that seemed like they didn't exist anymore. Anymore. What a terrible words. I couldn't hear any words any... every word seemed to mock and blame me. My mind was eating itself. If they wanted me even more crazy than before, gladly. But for that I was pumped with drugs when they got back here after new years. Celebrating some dumb contract. A wonder they didn't force me when I was alone. Maybe cause I could embarrass no one like I usually did for them. Oh no, I wasn't to be raised to be a dyke, they said. 

Could I have flown? Yeah, but to which price? Losing everything. Disobeying him. You don't make him angry...  
Fuck. What was that? A noise shocked me out of my tragedy. Did I just imagined that? No, there again. The window? I got up almost to fast, making me dizzy. It was in the middle of the night. There were alarm systems on the house, so how...? A stone hit the window. Someone was here and trespassed. But why throw stones...?

I went cautiously slow to the window and spied outside to see a masked person standing outside. Not tall, rather slim. Maybe a woman? She made gestures I didn't understand until I figured I should open the window. What the fuck...? But hell, even if this person would kill me, still better than sitting here. So I did exactly as wanted. Just to see the person vanish. Than I heard weird noises.... wait, she was climbing the poison ivy outside? Is she crazy? My heart went racing. I was frozen of fear. Maybe I should close...  
But than the hooded figure appeared in front of me and I stumbled back in shock. Soon she was in the room and closed the window, turned around and ordered me with a gesture to be quiet. The nerve! If she won't... the person removed the hood and mask. And... and it was Rachel?!

„What the fuck! You can't be here. They will...“

„What will they? We both know that no one is here, except for that butler who is sleeping deep. Trust me, I prepared as good as I can. No one will disturb us. No one knows I am here either.“

She came closer. I could see worry and hurt in her face. I can't... please don't look at me Rachel. It's not possible...

„Look at me, Tori. I know you talked tough and tried to be convincing, but I know you don't want this. It wasn't your choice. It...“

„Stop! You don't know what you are doing. I had to do it. Only this way you will stay safe. Only this way I... will stay the same.“

„I trust you in many things, Vic, but here you have to trust me. I have a plan.“

„Plan? That is absurd. I want you to go. I can't see you again.“, I repeated what I said once before. Looking away from her face. I can't...  
But she softly touched my face and turned it back to her attention. The touch... it was burning me. I can't be weak.

„Listen, it is simple. You wanted to tell me about this, right? You wanted to share it with me, let me decide. I could see it your eyes a week ago. I haven't forgotten that. Please, try. Tell me. If you still think it is for the best to... to stay, than I will leave you. I promise. But if there is a chance to help you, convince you that you don't need to be afraid... I take it. Please, can you except that?“

How ever I turned, to which side, Rachel was able to surprise me. She was right, whatever I decided, she had a right to know. I promised her. And she came all the way here... just to listen to me, even if it would mean... Fuck, why Rachel, why? It will just bring more pain to the both of us. You want the truth, you get it. I deserve to feel it again.

„O-okay. Only this one time. Listen carefully, I won't repeat myself. I... just can't. I never told anyone. My brain still tries to tell me it is lies, all lies. It is my poison, my hell. I can't escape it and can only hope to not remember it all the time. You wanna know why I hate myself? Why i am like I am? Why I have BPD? Don't tell me I haven't warned you.“

Rachel looked unimpressed, but stayed silent and just nodded very slowly.

„Maybe you... you heard what makes us crazy. Normal people develop normal. Personality is a fragile thing, you wouldn't think it. But with us... this evolution is disturbed, twisted by trauma. In the childhood.   
It sounds weird when I am talking so... so factual and neutral about. Maybe to... bring some distance to it. But it is my story. I wish it wasn't.“

Rachel tried to reach my hand, but I withdraw it from her.

„It is all about... about abuse. Emotional, physical... sex-sexual.   
I wasn't a good kid. Never the calm, well behaving daughter. So much I was always this. But on the other hand just that – a kid. But not to my parents. In victorian times it wouldn't wonder anyone, so traditional they sought themselves out to be. Kids were little adults to them and more important, I was their... their investment for the future.   
Rather a thing to sort out than a person to care for. And treated as such. But instead of throwing me away like a broken toy, they would try to fix me in every way possible, every tool was allowed and right.  
It didn't make them outright evil to the outside, but trust me, they were and are. Something must be wrong with them and so they made something wrong with me.“

I could hear her swallow hard. Wait, the best parts are still coming.

„So they forced me to behave like they saw fit. How a kid and the heir of their empire should act and appear. Rules were the softest tool. Forcing me with punishment to indulge into them, to never forget them. Just some examples would be going without food to bed, having a full day nothing to drink. Cleaning up my messes, no matter if it was my fault or not. In generally everything that wasn't fit to their perception of me was only my fault, never mine.   
Soon the belt came out. Or the thing from the chimney. Oh, he became very creative with such things. And if it broke anything while that, I had to fix it or take the blame. Like in front of other people if had be. Taking in the insults and blaming of the rest of the family.  
So I learned to obey. The only way to keep him at bay. And my mother pouted about how much she loved the 'changes' to me, how well I behaved and that my father did good work indeed. And I better not steal his time like that again to 'correct' myself.“

Now I had to swallow. If that was just the end.

„But than came a time I was becoming a teen and revolting became attractive again. My stupid mind thought I could really try it again and this time it would be different. I was so wrong of course.  
I expected all the punishments he created for me before, ready to face and hold them out this time, to not give in until he would see it wouldn't work anymore. I would break his will maybe. And for a while I really did try.  
Every time made me only more furious, more willing to survive this. But than he hadn't tested his final weapon, breaking me for good.  
One night, he waited for my mother to be out, he decided to bring it to use. He came to me when I was sleeping.“

I had to take a deep breath. I was really gonna... I had to and if I stopped now, I would never... 

„You say, he... he did...“

„...rape me? Yes, he did. The whole night. It didn't bring him any joy if you might believe him, I don't. Or actually I don't care. He... use me, abused me in every possible. My young mind couldn't fathom what he was doing to me at first. I screamed and hit him, but to no avail, of course he was stronger than me.  
He took my innocence, my will, my respect and love for myself, for anyone in the world, my hope and my will to live for a great while, still sometimes actually. He destroyed me, formed me to his picture alone. Branded me as a something disgusting, broken. Yes, he was succesful in stealing all perspectives I ever had of escaping and breaking free. Instead I became willingly a prisoner if it meant to not endure this again.  
Every minute felt like it would never end, like it would go on forever. Hearing his voice, calling me all kind of words like whore, slut and hoe. Brainwashing me into thinking those are accurate and they are all I am in reality. His... breath when he was coming... in me. When I had to taste... You get the picture. He didn't stop until I felt complety defiled and worthless. Like the thing to use me as what he saw me. No shower could ever wash this feel of dirtyness away. I was no longer human I believed.  
You ask and wonder, why I am obeying to him? Because this monster made me one as well. And if I ever... ever go against it... he will... I can't, you understand? I can't endure this again. It will break for good. I don't want to... I can't.... You don't understand....“

I was stuck in a loop of fear and repeating the memories in my mind. I wanted to scream, but couldn't. It was too real, as I was there. I froze, I felt so so cold and vulnerable. I felt his touches as if they were real. I...  
Rachel was holding and shaking me, tried to reach me.

„Tori, it isn't real. You just told me, but he isn't here. You are here in this house, with me, only us too and I would never.... He can't hurt you. And he won't anymore.“

„How can you say that! Didn't you listen what I said? He will defile me, he will...“

„NO! Listen, that is why I am here. To tell you, you don't have to be afraid anymore. I... Listen, I told I have plan, right? So hear me out.  
I could convince the Presdicks of what role your parents have in the downfall of their son. They are hellbend now on to take revenge on them. I might have dropped that they screwed you up too and it would be only fair to drag this into the light, do denunciate you. Branding you a pariah.“

I looked at her as if it was a joke.

„And... and how shall help me that? Sounds like making it worse.“

„On the surface, yes. But you told me how he did all this... disgusting things because he wanted you to 'behave', to be a legit well suited heir, right? Now they can forget that. He failed, he lost. He lost you. When you are shown to the press like you really are, he can't hide it anymore. He won't be able to handle this. Won't be able to hurt you.“

I looked scared at her, still not convinced.

„Please believe me. You see, I came all this way to tell you that. It wasn't easy and I wouldn't have found you without the Prescotts help. Yes, they did for what I told them and that would help their cause if you escaped and showing the restraint I know is in you finally against your father. YOU can take part in taking revenge. We can show it to the fucker.“

Rachel was grinning like a demon, but also seemed desperate. Oh Rach...

„And what convinces you that he won't go after me, punishing me for all of this?“

„He will be too consumte with fighting the Prescotts. And let me tell you, they have already prepared some nasty lawsuits that can singlehandly destroy his career. And we both know what is more important than you to him. Right. And don't forget: I will protect you, my love. This bitch won't get behind me and get you, not over my corpse.“

I must look surprised, cause she noticed. I had tears in my eyes.

„Yes, that is right. I moved every stone I could to find you and help you. You won't get rid of me so easily, I told you as much. I am yours.“

„And you came just here, alone, in person, to save me?“, I felt a heavy feeling in my stomach, but for once it wasn't despair and fear.

„Yes, I am. And gosh, I am fucking afraid still, hella nervous. I feel the adrenalin rush wearing off slowly, so we should make a move.“

I was ripped out of my trance finally. She was right. I... I could escape? I... was free... of him? I still couldn't believe it. But she wouldn't lie to me. Not in this. I had to trust her, and I was to. I... we needed to go or I would never.

„Yes, yes! I don't wanna stay any minute longer here.“

„You don't wanna pack first?“

„Are you kidding me? I want the fuck out of here, I don't want this bullshit that will only remind me. I have everything I need.“

„Oh, and that is?“

„My heroine.“, I said and kissed her. It was only the third time we did that, which was shame, as I missed it so much. I had to make up for the lost. She came to save me. Me. Fuck, I had my own lesbian movie ending. And fuck, I was damn happy of that now.

„Wow... I am flattered. I... ahem... same. Oh, that was lame.“

But I looked smiling at her and we both laughed.

In the same moments we were out the same way she came in, while she was explaining how she learned about cracking the alarm system from Chloe. The girl is cleverer than you would think and damn, I had to thank her for another thing. Hope that wouldn't become a regular thing. But I couldn't stop smiling though.  
Than we left handholding like some clichee movie and well, I couldn't care less. Riding back a bus, cuddling on the backbench and still fighting the feeling of anxiety in me. I only could wash it away for the moment when we met Max and Chloe in the middle of the way, which drove us back the rest of the way, distracting me with aweful punk and hipster songs, while singing along to it. Shit, I went along for some. As for the first time in my life I felt like I actually could do it. That it was only me who had my life in my hand. And no one could fight me on that ground. Not anymore.

At the end of a long night we arrived at Chloes, her mother in on the plan as well, letting us sleep there and hell, did I need that. I slept like never before, safe and sound. Having a warm heart next to mine, knowing I belonged to her as she belong to me. As if you awake in a never ending dream fuck, I didn't want this one to end ever.

Just before I feel asleep again after a peeing break, I looked for a while in this beautiful face that made me so happy and saved my ass tonight.

„What.. is?“, she asked half-asleep, making me giggle.

„Just... you called me 'my love'.“, on which she seemed to make sounds of embarrassments and turned around, mumbling something.

„What was that?“, on what she mumbled louder 'I meant it'. I smiled.

„Okay, sweet dreams, my love.“, I said and yeah, meant it.

„I hate you.“, she replied. 

„Yeah-yeah, too.“, snuggling closer to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad, we have this finally behind us. I could have written more, but who enjoys that and honestly, it was already triggering myself enough.
> 
> For some background: Of course the fic is a bit personal, but most noticeable here. My father wasn't different, but still a monster, abusing me sxual once and emotional my whole life, my family mostly doing the same.  
Realizing this with 24 was tough, but cutting off all them 3 years ago the was the best decision I ever made. So let me tell you: It is possible to escape and live your own life. No one deserves to be abused, in whatever way. You are all valid.
> 
> And yeah besides trauma, some of us unfortunate enough to get something else from it, like BPD in my case. We didn't decide to be this way, but we won't let it destroy our lifes either. Any border outside there, you are not alone and you are valid.
> 
> (If you have questions about it, even personal, feel free to ask, I wont be mad. But dont be either if I decide not to answer)

**Author's Note:**

> Edited for mistakes and clearity.


End file.
